Father of Three

One of the things that is hardest to deal with is when people (those who do not know me) ask me about my family. The question, "so how many kids do you have?" hurts. My answer is always, "I have three kids, one daughter and two sons"... and then I change the topic.

Am I a coward for not wanting to share the fact that my little Judah lives on in heaven? Will I ever have the courage to talk about Judah freely to anyone willing to listen? I watched an interaction between a father and son at a funeral a few years back and for some reason I keep remembering the father telling his son, "you had a great grandfather" as if suddenly the relationship between Grandfather and Grandson comes to an end simply because the grandfather is not physically present.

So, I am still a father of three... it is difficult to explain the relationship I have with my youngest son, but he lives on... not just in our hearts and memories but also in the presence of the Almighty. Judah is part of our lives everyday... Everything we do reminds us of him. Everything is different because of him... there is never a moment that we do not think, "if Judah was here..." We remember very fondly his first steps....his precious smile and the warmth of his love and his gracious interaction with our lives... and we will keep that part of him very close to us all the time. 

I still remember hearing that we were expecting. It was very unexpected. I was at Seminary, intending to study for the next 3-5 years, but Judah changed that in a moments notice. I gladly set my studies aside to go work so that we could prepare for his arrival. He changed our lives then and he has changed the way we do life, even now. 

Judah is definitely still very part of our lives. He is our youngest son. The brother to the most awesome and resilient Jathni-el and Jeriah. We can never deny the impact he has had and will continue to have upon our lives.

Finding Purpose

I am sitting at the hospital were Judah was born. My heart ♥ remembers this place very fondly. This is, for me, a place of hope... Or at least it use to be. Now, however, it simply reminds me of what I have lost... For the last week or two I have been struggling with going home... Because that is where we lost Judah. I am constantly reminded of what I no longer have in my life.

As I write this, my mind and my heart disagrees with each other... and I am not really sure which is which but,  the one that knows better is saying, "This is not right... We cannot afford to lose happy moments from our lives. Places of hope and joy must become more, not less... Redeem! Redeem these moments! Redemption is necessary."

I like this thought and I want nothing more, but how realistic is this idea? The question is, "How do we redeem these moments... How do we keep the positive places happy? How can we ever expect to live in the midst of death? This for me becomes the key... Discovering the answer to these questions, in my humble opinion, will go a long way in coming to terms with our loss, thus redeeming these precious moments in our lives...

My wife seems to think that it is all about finding a purpose in the chaos. If we can somehow find something good and bring that to life then we can redeem this whole experience... I can agree with this as long as it does not become about finding a reason why this had to happen... I think that it's important to differentiate between finding purpose and looking for a reason. Finding purpose in the chaos and pain I believe brings meaning and hope, whilst looking for a reason seeks to assign blame.

Finding purpose in this chaos is absolutely essential... So... pray for my family and I (and the countless others struggling with grief) as we seek to find purpose and meaning. The path to purpose and meaning, I think is not easy, partly because of the great value we assign to the ones we have lost, but also because it is so much easier to assign blame. We often blame ourselves or others because the alternative is so much harder.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 English Standard Version (ESV)