(This Blog is special to me because it
is the first one that Des and I actually wrote together… hopefully it’s not the
last one.)
I started this blog with an
urgent need to write but not much to say, so I googled some sites that
might help me make sense of some of my thoughts.
I came across the following
quote, "Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be
carried." Megan
Devine (www.refugeingrief.com) In all fairness I am probably read this completely out of context. Nevertheless...
I hated the feeling that this quote awakened within
me, because it goes against everything that I believe in and hold dear to.
How do I carry this feeling? How do I deal with this grief that cannot be
fixed....
This is hard for me especially since
my faith had always kind of leaned towards the, "God can and will fix
everything that is broken. It is only these days that I am beginning to see
things differently. I must admit that I do not like that notion... It is easier
for me to believe that things will be fixed... then to believe that I will be
expected to carry this brokenness within me.
We are now entering Lent... A
time for reflection… A time of greater
awareness of the suffering of Christ and what that means for us.... I
am anxious about lent, because I am aware that I would have to deal with these
issues of grief that I have been avoiding all along. As I reflect on this, even
now, I begin to see a shift in my thinking... maybe healing is not fixing, but rather discovering how to carry our loads to Christ.
Whilst I am on about Lent...
Allow me, please, to meander and ramble on a bit... Last
year lent was very special to us, as a family... For Desiree in particular… So
we are really not all that keen to reflect this year. Let me explain... Last
year we gave our best in terms of our lent commitments... Judah, made our
little family complete and we were extremely grateful to God for that... and
gave our best and still the year turned out to be our worst…
The most sacred period of our faith, which is the
journey to the cross, has become
replaced with the journey to our darkest
moment, the journey to the death of our son.
We lost Judah tragically in a drowning on Easter Monday. This celebration can never quite be the same again. Lent will forever be connected to our deepest pain. While
others are excited about Ash Wednesday, the start of the 40 day spiritual journey,
to us it reminds us of the last 40 days we had with Judah, and we didn't even
know it at the time. While others,
rightly so, are excited about the fasting and wait for that breakthrough and
healing after the fasting, we dread it. Simply because our fasting last year wasn't met with a breakthrough but a breakdown…
Naturally, this year we are reluctant to fully participate. That being said... on further reflection, I think we are beginning to see that just maybe our definition of Healing is the problem. Just maybe healing is not equal to fixing... just maybe giving our best to God, especially during a time such as Lent does not make us special... so as to prevent suffering and hurt or even heal suffering and hurt, but rather that it points out our real dependence on God.
This year we are focusing our teaching at Church about Lent on "Becoming Whole, as we become aware of brokenness". My prayer is that we as a family would be able to engage this Lenten period, deepening our relationship with Christ, becoming more and more aware the brokenness not just in our lives but also in the lives of others and therefore begin to become whole and enable wholeness in their lives...
So with
this in mind my amended version of the quote by Megan Devine would be something like this, "Some
things in life cannot be fixed (healed). They can only be carried (to
Christ)." You see
healing or fixing, even if it seems unredeemable in my eyes, will take on new
meaning in Christ... For indeed Christ makes all things new.
