That I might breath again...

Today we laid to rest a very dear friend. He was 73 years old. He lived a long, happy and fruitful life. He left a legacy of hard work and dedication. It was an honor to have known him and to be able to stand with his family as they laid their loved one to rest... 

Being there was hard because just 7 months ago we were in the exact same church and at the exact same cemetery to say farewell to our little Judah. Memories of that day came flooding in... the emotions were as fresh today as they were then, but somehow today I was reminded of God's faithfulness... WOW! Saying that surprised me. I thought that I was going to write about the doom and gloom of the last 7 months but rather I want to say "THANK YOU LORD FOR YOUR FAITHFULNESS". There were times when I doubted... times that I just wanted to hide my head and never face the world, but somehow, and I am really not sure how, but God pulled me through.

We are still very much in pursuit of healing... or something that resembles healing. I do not think that our hearts will ever be fixed, but I do believe that we can somehow convince these aching hearts to beat to a bit of a different tune...

A dear friend sent us a note that simple said, "I pray that God will help you breath again". Never was a better prayer prayed... that we might breath again! Today I thought I was going to be reminded about the suffocation of death... but rather... seeing the wonderful friends and family stand with this bereaved family, I heard the Lord say, " this is how you breath again. Stand strong with those who need you most and allow yourself to be "stood by". 

Now 219 days, infected by grieve, I sit here amazed that I managed to find moments where I can breath. 

Another Useless Emotion?????????

 For the last few weeks I have been feeling very cranky. The slightest little thing drives me into a rage... the positive side is that have been able to control my anger and have not exploded on anyone, yet... You see they (the clever people) tell me that this is a stage or a phase that is normal during grieving. That somehow this "abnormal" is normal... I hate it! 

Death has taken so much from me... now it's imposing feelings upon me that I do not want in my life. In fact, feelings that I do not need in my life. What use could I possible have for anger in my life right now? It feels like such a useless emotion... The worse is that I do not even know what exactly I am angry at. It just feels like I am angry at life... Angry at the decisions I made in life... the decisions I did not make... people... situations... aaagh! Everything annoys me! What's the use? I really hate this feeling! Yes... I did say hate... it is how I feel... and now I am angry that I am angry...what's wrong with me... This is so frustrating!            

So if I seem irritable and I seem to be picking a fight with you... bear with me and give me a hug... 
Over that last few week the thing that keeps ringing in my ears is, "...BUT the greatest of these is love."(1 Corinthians 13:13) Love truly overcomes all... even the wrath of a grieving father.  

The very Present Absence

It was a great weekend, but it was also a tough weekend. You see, there are some important people, events and or things that remain with us forever... 

This weekend (31 October) was Purley and Mikey's wedding celebrations. This was a very special... Both Mikey and Purley are very special to us and they both shared a very special bond with Judah.  They looked especially gorgeous and the wedding was special. 

It was a beautiful day and the ceremony and festivities went down incredibly well and we pray that the Lord will continue to Bless them and increase His favour upon their lives... They certainly deserve it.

For a moment, I think, I was able to convince my heart that it was okay to be happy... 

However, in the midst of the perfection of the day... the happiness felt somewhat empty without my little Judah. 

I wonder if it will always be this way. Will everything in life always contain the very present absence of Judah?  Will even the greatest moments we share always remind us of what we no longer have or is there a way to remember Judah, in a way that is helpful and real?

My prayer at this point in life is that we can find a way to process the pain (or any other emotion related to this) more constructively... That somehow we will be able find a way to live with this ever present absence... 

You see, the thing with this is not just that you feel the pain of the loss, but also the guilt of robbing others of the joy of the(ir) celebrations. It feels, at times, as if those close to you can see right into the depths of your soul and see the emptiness of your joy and happiness... and other times it annoys you that those that were suppose to see into your soul did not... it's a terrible black-hole that sucks you in. 

It is incredibly tiring trying to make it work. At times we pretend things to be okay, so much so that we fool ourselves into believing that all is okay. This is often to our detriment, all it does is push the feelings deeper down into a dark corner, somewhere in our hearts. After this weekend we were all sick. I can’t help but think that maybe it was because we were suppressing the overwhelming emotions of the weekend.

 Will I... Will we ever be able to live with this ever present absence?

"We miss you Judah... nothing will ever be the same without you!"

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