Very confidently I decided that I am
going to be different... I am going to be the one that will somehow model to
all my friends and family how "it" is done. I was going to mourn the
loss of my son and somehow re-group my family and... Well I am not really sure
what next, but definitely something.
I am strong enough to over-come any
odds. After all, my Mom taught me that "I can do all things through Christ
that gives me the strength." So… I will make it. I have
to make it! At least so I thought... I unfortunately have come to the
conclusion that what ever I am doing is not working. I am living but part of me
died with Judah and I am trying to resurrect something that I should be
burying.
Let me see if I can somehow make sense
of what I just said... I believe... or rather have always believed in a
Miraculous God. The attributes of God that stand out for me about God is all of
the Super-Natural stuff. God makes a way where there seems to be no way because
that's what God does... My God specializes in MIRACLES. God never just takes
the easy path, He walks through the desert and parts the sea... God waits for
Lazarus to die and then goes and resurrect him... God does the
supernatural naturally.
So, naturally, I expect God to do
something miraculous to get me through this. That's just how it is supposed to
be, isn't it? So I am waiting (somewhat impatiently) for God to do a
miracle... But it is 122 days (6 August 2015) in and nothing. I preach faith...
I teach faith... I live by faith but it appears that I am sinking deeper and
deeper into the pit of depression more and more.
Don't get me wrong... there are
moments when sun appears to shine through the dark clouds, but sometimes (more
frequently these days) I feel like I can only see the darkness... I can no
longer pretend that the light is shinning brightly and I find it extremely
difficult to hope for light. On this first day of Spring (1 September) when
everyone is waiting for new life and celebrating new life, I am realizing that
my efforts to "be different... to model healing after grief" is
just not working any more...
I walk home and all I see is that
STUPID pool. All I can see is the BLAME in Judah's eyes in the portraits in our
lounge. I try to focus on his smile but I just can’t lie to myself any
more. It is just so difficult…
I need a miracle to
get through this... or do I? This morning I am reminded about just
how practical God is. Even thou Jesus did many miracles, the greatest miracle
was accomplished when He carried His cross to Calvary. So yes, I need a miracle
and if it means having to carry this heavy cross of guilt and pain... so be it.
I take comfort in the fact that when Jesus struggled to carry His cross Simon
of Cyrene was there to carry.
So dear friends, forgive me if I don't
model the perfect grieving parent. I am simply trying to carry this cross...
Stick close... you might never know when you will need to be Simon of Cyrene.
Thank you!!!
We have been blessed enough to have a
team of 'Simons' around us. Thank you family and friends for being there for us
through thick and thin. We love ❤
you and appreciate you helping us to carry the load. May God bless you richly!
