I have FAITH

When will the hurting stop? It is 5 years since that tragic Monday morning... And still all I feel is pain. There was a moment in the second or third year that I thought... "I did it... I survived the storm".

Who am I kidding? The storm is still raging. I feel battered and... Alone. Not lonely, just alone. Like I am in a room full of people but no one that gets it. I can feel the all too familiar shadow of grief creeping back into my life.

I tried... I really did. I fought... Embraced... Surrendered... Accepted... Bargained... ETC ETC etc. I honestly have no idea what is coming next or how I'll face it.

Never the less, a good friend said something that remained with me. We were talking about something completely unrelated but he said, "I think you need to humble yourself. Not everything is about you." I was shocked. I mean, I generally as a rule in my life try to put the needs of others above my own. I must have uttered this sentiment because his next question pierced my soul. He asked, "WHY?"

Why indeed... Why should I heal? Why should I not feeling like dying on the anniversary of my son's death. Why do I have to be OK?

I never did get the answers to my Why Questions but it did get me to look at life ever so slightly different. It is in our reasoning and grappling with the purpose of things that we begin to find understanding, even if that understanding is incomplete in the moment.

Daniel Migliore wrote a book, "Faith seeking Understanding". I think this is essentially what we all must attempt in all aspects of our lives. Seek understanding of our faith in the midst of all goings on.

Our faith is what will ultimately help is make sense of life. I choose to place my faith in Jesus Christ. Not some fairy-tale idea of a Messiah that swoops in and saves the day, but a Christ that incarnated (became part of my world) and journeys with me through it all.

I have faith that even though I can't see it all, explain it all or perfectly articulate it... all the time... I know I have friend in Jesus. I have an ever loving God by my side.