SUKKEL-VOORT - LIVING WITH GRIEF

Google says that A prison is, "a building in which people are legally held as a punishment for a crime they have committed or while awaiting trial." Sometimes I think of grieving in term of this. Thou grieving doesn't have physical walls or bars keeping you captive it certainly claims legal right to punish you and restrain your movement and capacity. Sometimes I think that it is safer not to love... for the punishment of love seems to be life in the prison of grief. We grieve because we love...  So, shall we rather not love, just to avoid the pain and "punishment" of grief? I beg not... The reward of love outweighs the darkness of grief any day. Love always has more light in it, than what grieving can bring.  The key, I think, is to remember love... And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13 NRSV I always have a choice between living the depression of my grief or ...

One of the hardest things for me to do is to admit that I am in over my head. My uncle has a saying that goes something like this. "We are Pedro... P E D R... O and we Pedros fear no trial or foe" (I made it a little child friendly 😉).  My Mommy taught me that  I can do all things through Christ that strengthen me , and my Daddy taught to  never be afraid to admit my wrong and to try again  (this I struggle with a lot a little ) . I mean... It is a tough thing to do... Admit that you don't have it all together. I like to say I won or at the very least that I survived... I came out on top. For the last year and a half I tried to fool myself into thinking that I have this grief thing figured out 😬 . I mean as a Pastor I preach at funerals, I counsel families in grief... I go for counseling myself (sometimes). So yes, I have a handle on things. Or do I? Shouldn't I? You see I have gotten good at talking about grief and accepting that it is ...

When will the hurting stop? It is 5 years since that tragic Monday morning... And still all I feel is pain. There was a moment in the second or third year that I thought... "I did it... I survived the storm". Who am I kidding? The storm is still raging. I feel battered and... Alone. Not lonely, just alone. Like I am in a room full of people but no one that gets it. I can feel the all too familiar shadow of grief creeping back into my life. I tried... I really did. I fought... Embraced... Surrendered... Accepted... Bargained... ETC ETC etc. I honestly have no idea what is coming next or how I'll face it. Never the less, a good friend said something that remained with me. We were talking about something completely unrelated but he said, "I think you need to humble yourself. Not everything is about you." I was shocked. I mean, I generally as a rule in my life try to put the needs of others above my own. I must have uttered this sentiment because his next ques...

27 December 2015, I blogged looking forward to 2016 and thinking, “I might just make it." Today almost three years later I'm thinking, “what were you thinking... This grieving thing is too much to handle!!!!!” As I write that a bunch of things are going through my heart and mind. I feel a failure... pretentious... and a whole bunch of things I never wanted to be. A very well meaning person that I love and respect told me a few days ago that he thinks that it is about time I get up and face my grief and move on. WOW! That really struck a nerve. I did not know what to say or do after that. I thought, “Isn’t that what I have been trying to do?” Then I thought a few other things that I can’t dare to say out loud or write down. BUT really... is it really time to move on from my grief? Is that even possible? How would I do that? Could I really have grown stuck in despair? WHAT’S GOING ON? I don’t like this feeling... It sucks! Seriously... Is this guy serious? How do you ...