I miss you

My dear son Judah, born so small and sweet. Your presence in our lives was such a blessing. Today would have been your tenth year on Earth, but instead of celebrating your presence, we celebrate your precious worth.

 You were certainly gone too soon. My heart still aches, my soul still sinks. I miss your laughter, your smile, your touch. I miss you so much, my heart hurts so much. 

Your short life made a lasting impact, it's true, you taught me more than I ever taught you. 

You showed me the strength in a smile and you'll forever be my baby boy. 

I wish I could hold you, just one more time... Tell you I love you, that you are mine, but instead, I'll hold you in my heart each day. 

I'll cherish the memories in every way... 

My dear son Judah, I miss you So, but in my heart, your spirit will always live. I will smile today... I will step out courageous... In memory of you. 

Happy 10th birthday, my precious boy. You'll forever bring me love, light, and joy.

 

Desiree' birthday

 https://we.tl/t-TrTOkYpLpQ?src=dnl

Church!

Recently, I was reminded of a question I heard when I got appointed to my first Congregation (maybe I should say first group of congregations 🙈 that is a story for another day). The question was, "Would the community notice if your Congregation closed in the Community". It raises the question as to your congregation’s effectiveness and or relevance in the community that it is situated in. Should we be concerned with being effective or relevant in the community?

I hear people say all the time, "Stop going to Church, Be Church". Sounds nice, but what does it mean and how does that mentality or state of being influence the Communities in which we serve. Should it effect or influence the community?

One of my favourite quotes is by Henri Nouwen, "The great illusion of leadership is to think that man can be led out of the desert by someone who has never been there."

Sounds like a nice thing to say or maybe even a good excuse not to be led by others (that doesn't have the same, difficult, experiences as you but it rings very true as to the witness and effectiveness of the Church. We (the Church) should not hesitate to be vulnerable. 

Church is more than the buildings and programs that we run. Church is the people of God living Christ! We are a bunch of imperfect people that discovered a perfect Saviour and that shares Christ with those we encounter. This means that we make a mark in community, whether we want to or not... by virtue of just loving Christ we impact community. By sharing in people's joys and vulnerabilities we impact communities. The issue that the Church should continually be wrestling with is about how much we know and let Christ be known.

This is ever so true now... The Covid 19 pandemic managed force us to re-think who we are as the Church… business as usual has been halted and Church as usual, I think, has forever been altered… Church as usual get not continue even when this pandemic ends. A re-definition of our perception and or imagining of Church is now happening, whether we like it or want it or not. Now is not the time anymore for us to lament and moan about what we should have done... whatever we are doing now is how we are shaping our new normal of being Church. I urge us however to never loose contact with each other. The Church in my opinion ceases to be Church if we lose contact. Finding ways to share our lives with each other is crucial. We are Church... Now... in this time... for this time... 

I remember a time when HIV/AIDS first hit us… The Church said… WE ARE HIV POSITIVE – THE CHURCH HAS AIDS. We said this based on our theology that says that if one suffers, we all suffer. So, what is different now?

Whatever the pandemic, whatever the condition we are all in it and if we are going to survive it… we must do it together. We must never loose each other

To be a Christian Church Community in any time means to belong to Christ and each other… To know Christ, live Christ and to make His love known to all.

The prison of grief

Google says that A prison is, "a building in which people are legally held as a punishment for a crime they have committed or while awaiting trial."

Sometimes I think of grieving in term of this. Thou grieving doesn't have physical walls or bars keeping you captive it certainly claims legal right to punish you and restrain your movement and capacity. Sometimes I think that it is safer not to love... for the punishment of love seems to be life in the prison of grief. We grieve because we love... 

So, shall we rather not love, just to avoid the pain and "punishment" of grief? I beg not... The reward of love outweighs the darkness of grief any day. Love always has more light in it, than what grieving can bring.  The key, I think, is to remember love...

And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:13 NRSV

I always have a choice between living the depression of my grief or the joy of the love I shared with my baby boy. what if that is how we get released from prison... by filling our lives with love... the love of memories shared, and new moments created... The challenge is not to try and replace the pain of grief but to enjoy the moments of love. Love shared is forever! No sorrow, no pain, no depression, nothing should overwhelm the LOVE we share. For a moment wanted to say the love we shared, in fact I think I did... BUT I think love should always be in the present tense. 

John (in the Bible) says that God is love. Scripture teaches me that God is the same (yesterday, today and tomorrow), which means to me that love is always the same. My son (Judah) is my son even though he died (WHY DO I STILL FIND IT HARD TO SAY THAT HE DIED????) so our love is our love no matter what or where. 

Everyday there's an instant or two or three and sometimes ten… that I feel imprisoned by grief, but love always sets me free. Sometimes it is the loving touch of my wife (Desiree) or the bright and loud laughter of the kids (Jathni-el and Jeriah). Other times it is the gentle hello of a caring friend that inquires "are you ok?" Today it was the realization that God is love.

"...Love has set me free

Love has set me free

You're my rest

The shelter from the storm

Peace will come for me

You're my strength

When I am weak you are strong

Your hope will be the song I sing

You're holding me

You're everything that I need

You are rescuing

Your grace is enough for me

It's all I need

Love has set me free

Love has set me free.."

Last Night was tough... BUT

One of the hardest things for me to do is to admit that I am in over my head. My uncle has a saying that goes something like this. "We are Pedro... P E D R... O and we Pedros fear no trial or foe" (I made it a little child friendly 😉). 

My Mommy taught me that I can do all things through Christ that strengthen me, and my Daddy taught to never be afraid to admit my wrong and to try again (this I struggle with a lot a little).

I mean... It is a tough thing to do... Admit that you don't have it all together. I like to say I won or at the very least that I survived... I came out on top.

For the last year and a half I tried to fool myself into thinking that I have this grief thing figured out😬. I mean as a Pastor I preach at funerals, I counsel families in grief... I go for counseling myself (sometimes). So yes, I have a handle on things. Or do I? Shouldn't I? You see I have gotten good at talking about grief and accepting that it is a life process that we have to deal with and live with... BUT I have been avoiding my true journey with grief.

It is easy to talk about grieving without actually grieving💔. I have somehow managed to put my grief on hold... to my own detriment I have avoided grieving whilst talking and even helping others to grieve. This is where I need to confess. I somehow thought of myself as a super hero in grieving... WHAT A JOKE... This type of thinking is counter productive to grieving and not helpful at all.

As  I mentioned before... All I have, to help me deal with life and life's mishaps and crisis is my Faith and my Theology. So here is my latest attempt at doing Theology in the context of my grieving... 

Let's start with where I am at. The Psalmist say "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." This means to me that God is with me, but also that God will save me. The problem I think that existed in my thinking was my understanding of  being "SAVED". I tend to think of being saved in the sense of "all things and the traces of all things bad, sad or destructive being erased". In Sunday's Gospel reading about Thomas... He insisted in wanting to see and feel Jesus' scares. He couldn't imagine a Resurrection without the scares of the Crucifixion. This makes sense to me, even though I would have preferred a "less messy" Theology. A Resurrection without the scares of the Crucifixion is fairy tale... A nice story to tell without the evidence to back it up. 

Every year (and in every moment of grief) my family and I re-tell and re-live that horrible day... but we are left with the evidence of our faith growing stronger in an ever-present God that's ever faithful, even when we think God not to be. 

So I am Wiltim Roger Roberto PEDRO. P, E, D, R ... O. We Pedro's fear no trial or foe, cause we Pedro's have faith that even though we stumble and fall our God is Faithful and True to carry us through. Yes, we get wrong sometimes but God gets it right every time.

I have FAITH

When will the hurting stop? It is 5 years since that tragic Monday morning... And still all I feel is pain. There was a moment in the second or third year that I thought... "I did it... I survived the storm".

Who am I kidding? The storm is still raging. I feel battered and... Alone. Not lonely, just alone. Like I am in a room full of people but no one that gets it. I can feel the all too familiar shadow of grief creeping back into my life.

I tried... I really did. I fought... Embraced... Surrendered... Accepted... Bargained... ETC ETC etc. I honestly have no idea what is coming next or how I'll face it.

Never the less, a good friend said something that remained with me. We were talking about something completely unrelated but he said, "I think you need to humble yourself. Not everything is about you." I was shocked. I mean, I generally as a rule in my life try to put the needs of others above my own. I must have uttered this sentiment because his next question pierced my soul. He asked, "WHY?"

Why indeed... Why should I heal? Why should I not feeling like dying on the anniversary of my son's death. Why do I have to be OK?

I never did get the answers to my Why Questions but it did get me to look at life ever so slightly different. It is in our reasoning and grappling with the purpose of things that we begin to find understanding, even if that understanding is incomplete in the moment.

Daniel Migliore wrote a book, "Faith seeking Understanding". I think this is essentially what we all must attempt in all aspects of our lives. Seek understanding of our faith in the midst of all goings on.

Our faith is what will ultimately help is make sense of life. I choose to place my faith in Jesus Christ. Not some fairy-tale idea of a Messiah that swoops in and saves the day, but a Christ that incarnated (became part of my world) and journeys with me through it all.

I have faith that even though I can't see it all, explain it all or perfectly articulate it... all the time... I know I have friend in Jesus. I have an ever loving God by my side.

Desiree and Jathni-el Pedro