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Drowning in the pool of fear...

It is 11 Months since we lost our son. He drowned in the pool at our home. We had all the illusions of safety. We kept the faith... taught the kids the joy and dangers of swimming, kept the doors to pool closed, etc. Yet in the midst of ALL the precautions Judah got out to the pool somehow... and so began the most painful chapter in our lives, yet.

 After Judah died I put up the pool net.... not just of the physical pool at our home, but to the pool I dare to call my life. Occasionally I would venture out to swim in the pool of my life, but today, like most days ... I find myself grasping for air. You see, I have fallen into the pool of fear... fear not of life or even death, but the fear of loosing.  I find myself holding on to everyone and everything I hold dear. So much so that I feel like I am drowning in the fear of loss and I might be dragging everyone down with me.

 I fear loosing my mind... not being able to rationalize my thinking... loosing my theology... not being able to find adequate words to describe my faith. I fear loosing my identity... not recognizing the person in the mirror and worst of all loosing my wife and kids... because life as I use to live is no longer a viable option.

 As I wrestle with this notion I come to the conclusion that the only way for me to survive (I really want to survive and live) this struggle in the pool of fear is to swim... to kick as hard as I can and to realize the the life guard is already in the water with me... the problem is that I am fighting so much to stay alive that I am not allowing the life guard to pull me out.

 Help! I don't want to drown. 

Peter and the disciples of Jesus found themselves in a storm... the other disciples were as good as dead because they were drowning in the pool of fear, right there in the safety of their boat... Peter risked it and said, If that is you Lord call me to walk on the water to you. I must be honest enough to admit that I do not know if I have the courage to say as Peter did, but my survival depends on it. The Survival of my family and love ones depend on it. So here goes...

 Lord... I am scared... I don't want to drown... If that is you call me out... command me to walk on the waters of fear to you. I give myself over to your will for my life... NOW MORE THEN EVER BEFORE!



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