Reflections on Caregiving and Grief

I have the honor and privilege, granted by the grace of God, to play a small part in caring for my Dad. A little more than a year ago, Daddy was diagnosed with cancer and declared terminal by doctors.

I cherish the opportunity to sit by Daddy’s bedside from time to time. I do not consider this a small thing; it is truly a privilege that not many get to experience.

As I sat next to Daddy’s bed last night, watching him wrestle in his sleep, I found myself reflecting on my Daddy’s battle with cancer. A whirlwind of emotions overwhelm me. Memories of my mother’s illness, when I was just 15 years old, flooded back, my Mother in-laws passing less then 2 months ago reminds me of life’s fragility and the weight of grief.

 Both Mom and Mommy fought bravely against the challenges of their sicknesses but eventually succumbed due to complications related to their sicknesses. As a son, I witnessed their strength and faith firsthand.

Now, facing the possibility of losing my father, I feel both scared and weary. The doctor advised me to research end-of-life symptoms. While this knowledge is essential, it is also daunting. As my father enters this final stage, I need to be aware of certain signs:

-  Exhaustion and Weakness: I’ve noticed Daddy becoming increasingly fatigued, often preferring sleep over engaging in conversations or activities we once enjoyed together.

-  Loss of Appetite: His interest in food has diminished significantly, which is heartbreaking to witness.

-  Changes in Breathing: I’ve read about irregular breathing patterns and the “death rattle,” and the thought of experiencing that fills me with dread.

-  Confusion or Delirium: Daddy has always been a numbers guy—a dreamer and a “make it happen” kind of person. The idea that he might lose that part of himself and become confused is terrifying; yet, it is slowly becoming our new reality. 

- Physical Changes: Watching him lose weight and vitality serves as a stark reminder that time is slipping away.

 Understanding these symptoms helps me prepare for what lies ahead, but it doesn’t lessen the emotional burden I carry.

As a Pastor, I strive to be a pillar of strength for others, but right now, I feel vulnerable. Admitting this is tough; I feel I can’t be both vulnerable and strong. Others need me, yet this journey is exhausting. It weighs heavily on me—especially after having to leave my father while he is unwell to conduct memorial services or counselling sessions for dear congregants and their families. It is difficult, but I must admit that the bereaved families inspired me; their tears mirrored some of my own fears—I can’t help but think, “what if we are next?” At the same time the "break away" from Daddy's sickbed helps me regroup and find courage... yet even saying that makes me feel... guilty... I guess... don't know...

In these moments of despair, confusion, and a strange  hopefulness I’ve  learned to find some solace in certain practices:

-   Seeking Support: Connecting with fellow pastors, family and friends who understand this journey has been invaluable. Sharing my fears and experiences provides a sense of community that reminds me I’m not alone. My wife has been my pillar of strength… having just stood at the graveside of her mother, she still finds the time and energy to support me.

 -  Prioritizing Self-Care: It’s easy to neglect my own needs while caring for my father and others. However, I’m learning that taking time for myself—whether through prayer, meditation, or simply enjoying a good cup of coffee—is essential for recharging my spirit.

-  Leaning on My Faith: My faith has always been a source of strength. In prayer, I find comfort and guidance. Trusting in God’s goodness and grace helps me navigate this tumultuous season.

-    - Honoring My Parent’s Memory: Reflecting on the bravery of my mother, mother in-law and inspires me to embody that same resilience. They taught me the importance of never giving up, even when faced with life’s harshest realities.

Daddy’s cool demeanor and playful nature—steadfast in his faith—encourage me to hold on, press on, and remember to find humor even in tough times.

As I grapple with the impending loss of my father, it’s crucial for me to acknowledge both my pain and the love surrounding us. Each moment spent with him is precious; every shared memory is a treasure.

In this journey through grief, I remind myself that it’s okay to feel weak—this vulnerability is part of being human. As I navigate these difficult waters, I hold onto hope and faith. My father has shown immense strength throughout his illness, and as his youngest son (Baba Seun), I strive to honor his legacy by remaining steadfast in love and support.

While the road ahead may be fraught with challenges, it also presents an opportunity for profound connection... Connecting to God and others.

By preparing myself with knowledge about end-of-life signs and leaning into my faith community for support, I can find a way forward amidst the pain. This journey may be painful, but it is also filled with moments of grace that remind me of the love we share as a family.