I
had to do devotions at our weekly staff meeting and I thought I’d share about
fear. Fear, just saying the word makes the hair at back of my neck stand up.
There are so many fears in my life… things that has the potential to strangle
and destroy me. But I must admit that my biggest fear is that I will forget
Judah’s life and only remember his death.
Let
me explain what I mean by this.
I keep on having these flash-backs of the 6th
of April. The things I could have done differently or not have done that might have ensured a different
outcome. I keep remembering the event... Discovering his body floating in the
pool, trying to resuscitate him, the cries and sounds and smells of that
specific day all plays of in my mind everyday.
I try to remember the good days.
The day he was born. The first time he said, “Dadda”. The welcoming embrace he
would always give me when I came him and his smile. His beautiful smile… the
smile that was ever present on his face even when he was sick or frustrated. He
would always, somehow, smile.
But
my fear is that the negatives and pain, the tragedy and sorrow would overcome
the good memories in the battle for my heart and mind.
The
preacher within me wants to give an answer to this dilemma. I feel like I
should write a thesis about how to overcome this… If only I knew what to say
about this.
I might not know how to overcome this problem in my life (this idea of not knowing scares me), but this I do
know, “all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been
called according to his purpose.” I know “we are more than conquerors through
him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither
angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither
height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate
us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
So
I continue to trust that God knows best.
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