We tell our kids fairy tales, all the time, and these fairy tales always end with the words or idea, "and they all lived happily ever after". Though we know the difference between real life and fairy tales, we all still wish and pray that life will be a "happily ever after".
Well, what happens when the story, my story, doesn't quite measure up?
I sat and watch the inter-action between my wife and our second born son. He was complaining, no, he was stating the obvious, telling his Mommy how much he misses his brother. Saying that he miss playing with him and how he wishes that he could talk to his brother... A part in me immediately got pulled up... when my wife responded by saying, "come sit with me and we will talk to him together.Let's tell him how much we miss him"
Life without Judah is really hard. This "grieving thing" is terrible. It makes you question everything... It confuses you... It frustrates you... hurts you... makes you re-evaluate things and some say it (will) make you stronger.
Stronger... I am not so sure! If so, why do I feel so weak? Why do I feel like nothing makes makes sense? Why do I feel like everything has gone wrong... and it's all my fault (somehow). I have to fix it. I have to make a decision to continue life.
In fact this is what I advised many a person that I counselled.Not that they are to blame for their problem (s) but rather that they must take responsibility to continue with life. Now... I find myself in a similar position and I realise that if I am truly honest with myself, I really don't want to continue with life. I want to just give up... This is the perfect circumstances for me to be able to say, "the load is to heavy for me to carry, you are expecting too much of me to recover from this..."
But the Lord is faithful and does not condemn me when I feel like giving up, but rather I am reminded, today, that I can depend upon the Lord. That no matter how difficult things might seem, I can always count on God to see me through... Don't get me wrong, I still have lots of questions about my faith and God's plan and manner of work in and through my life, BUT I know that even in my confusion and questioning God is faithful. I love the qoute by Franchesca Cox, "grief only exists where love lived first". I know that God is love and therefore, somehow, God's perfect love will get me through this and even bring me healing.
So I know my story might not have a "happily ever after" right now... BUT... It certainly has a "In Christ ever after". With Christ all things are possible... and so I continue to live in Hope.
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