Reflections on Caregiving and Grief

I have the honor and privilege, granted by the grace of God, to play a small part in caring for my Dad. A little more than a year ago, Daddy was diagnosed with cancer and declared terminal by doctors.

I cherish the opportunity to sit by Daddy’s bedside from time to time. I do not consider this a small thing; it is truly a privilege that not many get to experience.

As I sat next to Daddy’s bed last night, watching him wrestle in his sleep, I found myself reflecting on my Daddy’s battle with cancer. A whirlwind of emotions overwhelm me. Memories of my mother’s illness, when I was just 15 years old, flooded back, my Mother in-laws passing less then 2 months ago reminds me of life’s fragility and the weight of grief.

 Both Mom and Mommy fought bravely against the challenges of their sicknesses but eventually succumbed due to complications related to their sicknesses. As a son, I witnessed their strength and faith firsthand.

Now, facing the possibility of losing my father, I feel both scared and weary. The doctor advised me to research end-of-life symptoms. While this knowledge is essential, it is also daunting. As my father enters this final stage, I need to be aware of certain signs:

-  Exhaustion and Weakness: I’ve noticed Daddy becoming increasingly fatigued, often preferring sleep over engaging in conversations or activities we once enjoyed together.

-  Loss of Appetite: His interest in food has diminished significantly, which is heartbreaking to witness.

-  Changes in Breathing: I’ve read about irregular breathing patterns and the “death rattle,” and the thought of experiencing that fills me with dread.

-  Confusion or Delirium: Daddy has always been a numbers guy—a dreamer and a “make it happen” kind of person. The idea that he might lose that part of himself and become confused is terrifying; yet, it is slowly becoming our new reality. 

- Physical Changes: Watching him lose weight and vitality serves as a stark reminder that time is slipping away.

 Understanding these symptoms helps me prepare for what lies ahead, but it doesn’t lessen the emotional burden I carry.

As a Pastor, I strive to be a pillar of strength for others, but right now, I feel vulnerable. Admitting this is tough; I feel I can’t be both vulnerable and strong. Others need me, yet this journey is exhausting. It weighs heavily on me—especially after having to leave my father while he is unwell to conduct memorial services or counselling sessions for dear congregants and their families. It is difficult, but I must admit that the bereaved families inspired me; their tears mirrored some of my own fears—I can’t help but think, “what if we are next?” At the same time the "break away" from Daddy's sickbed helps me regroup and find courage... yet even saying that makes me feel... guilty... I guess... don't know...

In these moments of despair, confusion, and a strange  hopefulness I’ve  learned to find some solace in certain practices:

-   Seeking Support: Connecting with fellow pastors, family and friends who understand this journey has been invaluable. Sharing my fears and experiences provides a sense of community that reminds me I’m not alone. My wife has been my pillar of strength… having just stood at the graveside of her mother, she still finds the time and energy to support me.

 -  Prioritizing Self-Care: It’s easy to neglect my own needs while caring for my father and others. However, I’m learning that taking time for myself—whether through prayer, meditation, or simply enjoying a good cup of coffee—is essential for recharging my spirit.

-  Leaning on My Faith: My faith has always been a source of strength. In prayer, I find comfort and guidance. Trusting in God’s goodness and grace helps me navigate this tumultuous season.

-    - Honoring My Parent’s Memory: Reflecting on the bravery of my mother, mother in-law and inspires me to embody that same resilience. They taught me the importance of never giving up, even when faced with life’s harshest realities.

Daddy’s cool demeanor and playful nature—steadfast in his faith—encourage me to hold on, press on, and remember to find humor even in tough times.

As I grapple with the impending loss of my father, it’s crucial for me to acknowledge both my pain and the love surrounding us. Each moment spent with him is precious; every shared memory is a treasure.

In this journey through grief, I remind myself that it’s okay to feel weak—this vulnerability is part of being human. As I navigate these difficult waters, I hold onto hope and faith. My father has shown immense strength throughout his illness, and as his youngest son (Baba Seun), I strive to honor his legacy by remaining steadfast in love and support.

While the road ahead may be fraught with challenges, it also presents an opportunity for profound connection... Connecting to God and others.

By preparing myself with knowledge about end-of-life signs and leaning into my faith community for support, I can find a way forward amidst the pain. This journey may be painful, but it is also filled with moments of grace that remind me of the love we share as a family.

 

Our Understanding of God Shapes Our Values

The Power of Perception: How Our Understanding of God Shapes Our Values and Theology

I have heard it said that hurting people hurt people… in my 20+ years ministering with and alongside people, especially the hurting, I found this statement more true then I would want it to be. I find it unfortunate that many of these hurts stem from our perceptions that God or God's people have caused us pain.

As human beings, we seem to be constantly grappling with the question of God's existence and the nature of the Divine. Even the Atheist seem to be saying that I can’t believe in a cruel God that claims to be loving… I further found that this crucial wrestling often defines how we perceive ourselves and our significance in this world. Our ideas about God profoundly impact everything we do—how we live, how we treat others, and the choices we continue to make.

I’ve always found the illustration of Dropping a pebble in a pond, it illustrates how small (or even traumatic) changes in our perception of the Divine can create ripples that affect our lives and the expressions thereof.

 

If we believe that God is loving and kind, we are more likely to embody those qualities in our own lives. However, if we see God as strict and judgmental, that perception can lead us to act negatively toward others and ourselves. If we believe God to be absent or non-existent then that certainly affects how we interact or live in this world. I think that it is essential to think carefully about what we believe and to engage in open dialogue with others who hold different ideas and perspectives. By learning from each other, we can ensure that our beliefs are rooted in love, compassion, and fairness (values that I think most will agree necessary in our lives).

If we believe that God is loving and kind, we are more likely to embody those qualities in our own lives. However, if we see God as strict and judgmental, that perception can influence us to act in negative ways towards others and ourselves. It is essential to think carefully about what we believe and to engage in open dialogue with others who hold different ideas. By learning from each other, we can ensure that our beliefs are rooted in love, compassion, and fairness. 

I am of the humble opinion that Life is an expression of values learned, and as Christians, we find our value in who God is. Living out these expressions means standing up for what is right, being kind to others, and making a genuine effort to understand and help those around us. Our beliefs should not remain mere abstractions; they should translate into tangible ways of being and doing that make a meaningful difference in the world. By aligning our values with our understanding of God, we can create a more loving and just society—and ultimately, a more compassionate world.

 Reflecting on my personal journey, I remember the time of my beloved son Judah's passing. My first response was to wrestle (to fight) with God. I felt anger, confusion, and profound sorrow. This perspective and emotion translated in me have a terrible attitude towards others. Recognizing this made me ask, "How do I change my perspective?"

I believe the answer (for me at least) laid in how I communicated my dismay and perspective about God and my  Faith. You see I am convinced that our language significantly influences our actions; therefore, the solution resides in our theology. Theology is simply the words or conversations we have regarding God and the things of God. What we say when we are in pain or confused about our circumstances or things simply doesn’t make sense, really makes a difference. Please do not misunderstand what I am saying… no amount of positive thinking will fix mistakes. We need to get hands on to ratify our mistakes… But finding a loving God and wrestling with God about the injustices and honestly engaging God about our perspectives on the matters certainly will help us navigate turbulent times.

 

Here is what helped me make sense of things when God and or Gods people didn’t make sense to me:

- Engage in Reflective Prayer: Take time to pray not only for comfort but also for understanding. Ask God to reveal His nature to you.

 - Explore Scripture: Dive into biblical texts that emphasize God's love, mercy, and compassion. Let these truths reshape your understanding.

 - Surround Yourself with Community: Engage with a community that reflects God's love through their actions and support. Sharing experiences can provide new insights into your own struggles.

 - Practice Gratitude: Focus on what you are thankful for each day. Gratitude shifts your perspective from what you lack to what you have been given.

 - Seek Professional Help: Sometimes it’s beneficial to talk to someone trained to help navigate grief or spiritual struggles.

By intentionally engaging with God and shifting our language around Him—from one of judgment to one of love and seeking understanding—we can transform not only our perspectives but also how we interact with others (especially those who are hurting). Ultimately, this journey toward understanding can lead us away from pain and toward healing—both for ourselves and those around us.

In conclusion, let us remember that our perceptions shape our reality. By fostering a theology rooted in love and compassion, we can break the cycle of hurt and create ripples of positive change in ourselves and the world around us. Seek the God of love, and you will find Him.

An open letter to my Daughter

Jathni-el, (my gift from God) 

I am counting the hours now until you embark on this incredible journey…  
 
Ek wou nog altyd ‘n dogter gehad het. My eie stukkie perfeksie. The plan was that I would hold you close, protect you from every evil and have you with me all the time… maar dit werk mos nie so nie.  
 
As a parent all I could do was to devote my life to preparing you for independence, teaching you to make your own decisions… To put your faith in God and pursue your passion. This I tried to do to the best of my abilities.  
 
NOW, when the moment arrives to release you and let you venture beyond my comfort zone, it feels as though I must set up a blockade to hold you forever in my arms. Smaak en kan n time-out call… Sê, 'tyd staan stil ek wil nie my Princess laat gaan nie…' But the truth is, all I can do is hold you in my heart and place you in God's loving arms.
 
Daddy's Princess, as you pursue your missionary calling, I pray you discover a deeper level of joy in serving God. That joy sustains you when life and ministry gets tough. I pray that Father will bless and sustain you every step of the way.
 
Always remember that I have your back; I am on my knees praying for you. I loved you from the moment we prayed and asked God to gift us with a baby girl and I will love you forever.  
 
We have done what we could to prepare you. You got this! YOU ARE MORE THAN READY TO ACHIEVE WHAT YOUR HEART DESIRES AND GOD PUROSED YOU FOR… it’s all up to you and God. Embrace this journey with faith and courage knowing that your Daddy is here when you need him.  
 
As you step into this new chapter, I want you to carry with you the lessons of love and faith that we have shared. Life will present challenges, but remember that your strength comes from your relationship with God. He is always with you, guiding you through every twist and turn. Jy kan altyd op die Here staat maak.  
 
Your mission is not just about spreading the word; it’s about embodying the love of Christ. In every act of kindness, in every moment of service, you reflect the heart of God. This is the essence of your calling.
 
Know that my love for you is unwavering. It is not contingent upon your successes or failures. You are my daughter, and that bond is forever. As you navigate this journey, I will be here, cheering you on and lifting you up in prayer.
 
You are stepping into a world that needs your light. Shine brightly, my dear, and trust that you are equipped with everything you need to make a difference.
 
With all my love, love you always
 
Daddy

Random Faith Ramblings

I have come to realize that tragedy and strife often cause us to reflect and re-evaluate.

I have had a bit of time to relook and reimagine life and faith. I have come to some kind of certainty that it is time for us (the Church) to have an honest conversation about the nature of our being and ministry. It is time for us to recognize and step up to the fact that the ministry and faith that we live and proclaim are not about our selfish needs and desires. As a Church, we are called to a higher purpose, a mission that extends beyond our personal desires and ambitions.

The concept of the Missio Dei, the Mission of God, should shape and guide our understanding of ministry and faith. It is a concept that transcends our individual aspirations and egos. When we truly embrace the Missio Dei, we come to understand that our mission is not about building our own kingdoms or satisfying our personal agendas. It is about participating in the larger work of God in the world.

As we reflect on the omnipotent nature of God, the Pantokrator, we must recognize that our ministry is not limited by our own human capabilities or desires. Instead, it is rooted in the all-powerful and all-encompassing nature of God. Therefore, our ministry should be conducted with humility and a deep sense of reverence for the authority and sovereignty of God.

We need to move beyond our own ambitions and desires and focus on serving others selflessly. Our ministry should be driven by compassion, empathy, and a genuine desire to bring about positive change in the lives of those we interact with. It is about meeting the needs of others, spreading love, and offering hope to those who are in despair.

As we realign our understanding of Ministry with the Missio Dei and the concept of Pantokrator, it is crucial that we reevaluate our priorities and motivations. Are we seeking to fulfill our own needs and desires, or are we committed to serving others and advancing the mission of God in the world?

Let us strive to embody the selfless and sacrificial love demonstrated by Jesus Christ, who came not to be served, but to serve. Let us commit ourselves to a ministry that is rooted in humility, compassion, and a deep reverence for the mission of God. May our actions and attitudes reflect the selflessness and transformative power of the Missio Dei.

It is time to call the church to order, to remind ourselves of the true nature of our ministry, and to recommit ourselves to selfless service and the mission of God.

I hope my random ramblings, at the very least, calls us to rethink and re-imagine our Faith and Minstry

Blessings