The prison of grief

Google says that A prison is, "a building in which people are legally held as a punishment for a crime they have committed or while awaiting trial."

Sometimes I think of grieving in term of this. Thou grieving doesn't have physical walls or bars keeping you captive it certainly claims legal right to punish you and restrain your movement and capacity. Sometimes I think that it is safer not to love... for the punishment of love seems to be life in the prison of grief. We grieve because we love... 

So, shall we rather not love, just to avoid the pain and "punishment" of grief? I beg not... The reward of love outweighs the darkness of grief any day. Love always has more light in it, than what grieving can bring.  The key, I think, is to remember love...

And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:13 NRSV

I always have a choice between living the depression of my grief or the joy of the love I shared with my baby boy. what if that is how we get released from prison... by filling our lives with love... the love of memories shared, and new moments created... The challenge is not to try and replace the pain of grief but to enjoy the moments of love. Love shared is forever! No sorrow, no pain, no depression, nothing should overwhelm the LOVE we share. For a moment wanted to say the love we shared, in fact I think I did... BUT I think love should always be in the present tense. 

John (in the Bible) says that God is love. Scripture teaches me that God is the same (yesterday, today and tomorrow), which means to me that love is always the same. My son (Judah) is my son even though he died (WHY DO I STILL FIND IT HARD TO SAY THAT HE DIED????) so our love is our love no matter what or where. 

Everyday there's an instant or two or three and sometimes ten… that I feel imprisoned by grief, but love always sets me free. Sometimes it is the loving touch of my wife (Desiree) or the bright and loud laughter of the kids (Jathni-el and Jeriah). Other times it is the gentle hello of a caring friend that inquires "are you ok?" Today it was the realization that God is love.

"...Love has set me free

Love has set me free

You're my rest

The shelter from the storm

Peace will come for me

You're my strength

When I am weak you are strong

Your hope will be the song I sing

You're holding me

You're everything that I need

You are rescuing

Your grace is enough for me

It's all I need

Love has set me free

Love has set me free.."

Last Night was tough... BUT

One of the hardest things for me to do is to admit that I am in over my head. My uncle has a saying that goes something like this. "We are Pedro... P E D R... O and we Pedros fear no trial or foe" (I made it a little child friendly 😉). 

My Mommy taught me that I can do all things through Christ that strengthen me, and my Daddy taught to never be afraid to admit my wrong and to try again (this I struggle with a lot a little).

I mean... It is a tough thing to do... Admit that you don't have it all together. I like to say I won or at the very least that I survived... I came out on top.

For the last year and a half I tried to fool myself into thinking that I have this grief thing figured out😬. I mean as a Pastor I preach at funerals, I counsel families in grief... I go for counseling myself (sometimes). So yes, I have a handle on things. Or do I? Shouldn't I? You see I have gotten good at talking about grief and accepting that it is a life process that we have to deal with and live with... BUT I have been avoiding my true journey with grief.

It is easy to talk about grieving without actually grieving💔. I have somehow managed to put my grief on hold... to my own detriment I have avoided grieving whilst talking and even helping others to grieve. This is where I need to confess. I somehow thought of myself as a super hero in grieving... WHAT A JOKE... This type of thinking is counter productive to grieving and not helpful at all.

As  I mentioned before... All I have, to help me deal with life and life's mishaps and crisis is my Faith and my Theology. So here is my latest attempt at doing Theology in the context of my grieving... 

Let's start with where I am at. The Psalmist say "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." This means to me that God is with me, but also that God will save me. The problem I think that existed in my thinking was my understanding of  being "SAVED". I tend to think of being saved in the sense of "all things and the traces of all things bad, sad or destructive being erased". In Sunday's Gospel reading about Thomas... He insisted in wanting to see and feel Jesus' scares. He couldn't imagine a Resurrection without the scares of the Crucifixion. This makes sense to me, even though I would have preferred a "less messy" Theology. A Resurrection without the scares of the Crucifixion is fairy tale... A nice story to tell without the evidence to back it up. 

Every year (and in every moment of grief) my family and I re-tell and re-live that horrible day... but we are left with the evidence of our faith growing stronger in an ever-present God that's ever faithful, even when we think God not to be. 

So I am Wiltim Roger Roberto PEDRO. P, E, D, R ... O. We Pedro's fear no trial or foe, cause we Pedro's have faith that even though we stumble and fall our God is Faithful and True to carry us through. Yes, we get wrong sometimes but God gets it right every time.

I have FAITH

When will the hurting stop? It is 5 years since that tragic Monday morning... And still all I feel is pain. There was a moment in the second or third year that I thought... "I did it... I survived the storm".

Who am I kidding? The storm is still raging. I feel battered and... Alone. Not lonely, just alone. Like I am in a room full of people but no one that gets it. I can feel the all too familiar shadow of grief creeping back into my life.

I tried... I really did. I fought... Embraced... Surrendered... Accepted... Bargained... ETC ETC etc. I honestly have no idea what is coming next or how I'll face it.

Never the less, a good friend said something that remained with me. We were talking about something completely unrelated but he said, "I think you need to humble yourself. Not everything is about you." I was shocked. I mean, I generally as a rule in my life try to put the needs of others above my own. I must have uttered this sentiment because his next question pierced my soul. He asked, "WHY?"

Why indeed... Why should I heal? Why should I not feeling like dying on the anniversary of my son's death. Why do I have to be OK?

I never did get the answers to my Why Questions but it did get me to look at life ever so slightly different. It is in our reasoning and grappling with the purpose of things that we begin to find understanding, even if that understanding is incomplete in the moment.

Daniel Migliore wrote a book, "Faith seeking Understanding". I think this is essentially what we all must attempt in all aspects of our lives. Seek understanding of our faith in the midst of all goings on.

Our faith is what will ultimately help is make sense of life. I choose to place my faith in Jesus Christ. Not some fairy-tale idea of a Messiah that swoops in and saves the day, but a Christ that incarnated (became part of my world) and journeys with me through it all.

I have faith that even though I can't see it all, explain it all or perfectly articulate it... all the time... I know I have friend in Jesus. I have an ever loving God by my side.

Desiree and Jathni-el Pedro

Clean (Natalie Grant) by Jathni-el Pedro

Sidewalk Prophets - You Love Me Anyway (Official Video)

Finding Community in my Despair

27 December 2015, I blogged looking forward to 2016 and thinking, “I might just make it." Today almost three years later I'm thinking, “what were you thinking... This grieving thing is too much to handle!!!!!” As I write that a bunch of things are going through my heart and mind. I feel a failure... pretentious... and a whole bunch of things I never wanted to be.

A very well meaning person that I love and respect told me a few days ago that he thinks that it is about time I get up and face my grief and move on.

WOW! That really struck a nerve. I did not know what to say or do after that. I thought, “Isn’t that what I have been trying to do?” Then I thought a few other things that I can’t dare to say out loud or write down. BUT really... is it really time to move on from my grief? Is that even possible? How would I do that? Could I really have grown stuck in despair? WHAT’S GOING ON? I don’t like this feeling... It sucks!

Seriously... Is this guy serious? How do you even begin to 'let go'? Who cares about joy? Right now I am struggling to breath... struggling to just cling on to life. Joy and love is not some magical bandage that wipes away loss or pain.

Despair is a present emotion... a very real everyday feeling... not some past feeling of regret... a everyday fight with darkness that tries to overwhelm you. It's not some decision to not feel pain or regret or loss. It's a conscious recognition that darkness is pushing in on you and that your capacity to overthrow it is very limited, But you certainly are more than a conquer through Christ that strengthens you.

Pain, especially the pain of loss, is overcome through surrender... surrender not to the pain but to the notion of healing it by yourself.

Our healing, if such a thing exists, lies in Christ and Christ is best experienced in His Faith Community. In fact, Christ is Christian Community! The Church is the body of Christ (or at least, we are suppose to be) supporting and aiding each other so as to ensure the entire body growing.

What am I saying? Let's see if I can make sense of my ramblings.

1. PAIN IS REAL, DON'T IGNORE IT!
2. CHRIST GIFTED US WITH COMMUNITY
3.WE WORK OUT AND THROUGH OUR PAIN, IN COMMUNITY
4. TRUE COMMUNITY IS CREATED THROUGH BEING

So, here is my plan. I will continue to face my pain (one day at time) and will endeavour not just to find Community but to BE Community... even if it's uncomfortable or painful... a Christ Community that not only receives the vulnerable but also become vulnerable. So that together we can edify, support and heal.

I have come to believe that moving on from my grief simply means embracing Community. COMMUNITY WITH EACH OTHER IN COMMUNION WITH CHRIST!

"Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many. But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it."
1 Corinthians 12:12‭, ‬14‭-‬14‭, ‬18‭, ‬26‭-‬27 NIV

This is hard! But Not Impossible!!

Grief makes me mad! It imposes on my life all the time! So I sat down to "declutter" my life, hoping to delete all the "mad", only to discover a precious gift.

Have you ever received the perfect gift... or have you been given a gift that you feel you did not deserve? I think those are the best gifts, not just to receive but also to give. However, all too often gifts are demanded or prescribed... I know someone who said, "I am so bad at giving gifts to my wife that I simply asked  her to tell me what she wanted. I would then go out and carefully buy exactly what she requested"... Shame the poor thing, his life is much better he now only gets in trouble for not wrapping it properly. You see, even if we manage to find the perfect gift... there will always be the issue of the gift wrap. 

Christ has given us the perfect gift in the perfect wrapping. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. Ephesians 2:8-9(ESV)

I just realized that the best gifts I ever gave were the gifts that cost me the most... don't misunderstand. I am not necessarily talking about monitory costs... I think that time, effort, thought, sacrifice, etc is just as valuable, if not more. Often we give gifts that are valued extravagant in monitory terms but has no real value to the recipient.

"Grace is a free gift of bountiful love wrapped in faith and is meant for restoration."

Christ gave us a gift that no amount of money can ever purchase... The gift of living! John 10:10 tells us that we can have life to the fullest. This is a precious gift that we have the privilege of wrapping in faith and sharing with others. The sad thing is that we too often choose to share death... we much too easily choose break relationships rather than build relationships. We find every excuse to say, "I have done enough, it's impossible to save this situation or relationship, I have enough hurt of my own I can not be meddling in somebody else's hurt. etc". 

"Faith is the impossible wrapped in the conviction that it will all work out for the best and carried in a bag knitted together by patience."

Maybe we should face what we perceive impossible! Maybe we should drop the gloom and depression and wrap our circumstances in conviction, carried by patience... I Think the world can do with a few more people who are prepared to face difficulty with conviction and is willing to see those difficult decisions through right to the end.

Today I choose to step out in faith… Even though my heart aches and the storms of grieve blow against me. I will wrap my impossible in the conviction that God has my back, even if I struggle to believe that right now.

chronic pain

❤

It has been too long since I wrote... I am not a hundred percent sure why.... but I suspect that it is because I felt little a bit like a hypocrite.

I have always been the one that said that we should be honest about our feelings and be authentic in our responses to our pain. Well... I have not been. You see, even though I had been honest in the pain I feel,  I have not been completely honest about my lack of desire to not feel the pain.

There was and is a part of me that wants to remain in the pain. It makes me get up in the morning, because it reminds me to do everything possible not to feel this kind of loss again. The pain reminds me to be extra vigilant in loving my other two kids. I don't want to miss out on anything in their lives... It gives me a crutch to lean on... as if I have permission to not be my best but at the same time a motivation... an extra push to do better and live better .

In trying to make sense of this for myself, I turned to "The Weeping Prophet, Jeremiah". He complains to God about his pain and this is what he says,

 "But why, why this chronic pain, this ever worsening wound and no healing in sight? You’re nothing, God, but a mirage, a lovely oasis in the distance—and then nothing!" (Jer 15:18 - The Message)

I am not quite sure how to respond to Jeremiah, but I know that I never want to feel like that. Can you imagine the depth of the loneliness of the Prophet Jeremiah... not sure I can call God a mirage... not sure i ever would want to. The only sense in my chronic pain is Christ... I'd  rather say that pain is part and parcel of our lives and I'm not so sure about whether or not life without pain is ever worth living. You see, if we never know pain,  we can never truly appreciate life without pain... I hate that I think that this is true... Maybe it is just my mind's way of trying to justify the pain I have in my life. Perhaps  there is some greater wisdom or mystic revelation that pain carries or maybe it's senseless.... . 

There is this song, Holiness, by Micah Stampley, that just completely messed me up.  In the song,  there is a verse that says  "Brokenness, that's what I long for...  what I need... is what You want for me."

I know I am probably completely missing the context of the song but I began to think that, "as long as I see my brokenness and experience my brokenness, the more I am dependent on God for my Holiness. The more wounded I am,  the more I need the healer...??? I don't know... All I know is that I never want to feel that my pain is so much that God feels like a mirage in the distance. I also don't want to idolize my pain and see it as some type of special passage or chanel to God... as if I cannot meet with God at anytime.

So as much as my pain (brokenness) helps and informs my Theology, it can never be the motivation for my Service to God. It can never be a good enough motivation for me to serve and love my family. There has to be more...

So here is my pledge, "I will do my best to trust God to move me beyond the pain. Because beyond the pain there is love and hope... These, I think, is a greater motivation for my life. 

Here I am again

Here I lie again... I thought I conquered it. I did so well, or so I thought. I burried my pain and sorrow deep within... I hid it behind my busy schedule, behind my new adventure, behind my new friendships, behind my spirituality... behind... way behind everything so deep that I thought it would never surface again. I got rid of it once and for all, but it's not that easy is it? You see  as much as I can pretent or as much as I may want to avoid the pain and sorrow it is always nearby.

So here is my new, new plan. No more hidding... no more pretending... here I am... Again...😟

Tonight I miss my boy... more then ever. I feel the need to cry, but my tears are all dried up. All I feel is pain... the pain is pearcing through my back, my neck, my shoulders and my feet. My heart feels empty and my arms feel weak. I dont know how to deal with all this... as much as I experience this physical pain I know that it is mere a physical manifestation of what I have been avoiding for much too long.

So dear friends reading this blog with me... please hear my plea... Don't ever loose sight of your real emotions. Feeling pain... experiencing sadness is no less valid than joy or peace. Allow yourselves to feel... express yourself, even if only in the privacy of a journal or confession.

The only way to get to the otherside of an emotion is to feel it and deal with it.

I know it is not always easy to do but you don't have to face it alone...reach out to friends, family and loved-ones. They might not always know what to say or do, but we dont need answers... We need companionship and companionship starts by us being real and reaching out.

I pray for you as I hope you are praying for me. Thanx for listening.