SUKKEL-VOORT - LIVING WITH GRIEF

(This Blog is special to me because it is the first one that Des and I actually wrote together… hopefully it’s not the last one.) I started this blog with an urgent need to write but not much to say, so I googled some sites that might help me make sense of some of my thoughts.  I came across the following quote,  "Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried."  Megan Devine   ( www.refugeingrief.com ) In all fairness I am probably  read  this completely out of context. Nevertheless... I hated the feeling that this quote awakened within me, because it goes against everything that I believe in and hold dear to.  How do I carry this feeling? How do I deal with this grief that cannot be fixed....  This is hard for me especially since my faith had always kind of leaned towards the, "God can and will fix everything that is broken. It is only these days that I am beginning...

The  Easton's Bible Dictionary defines Judah  the following way: Judah   [N]   [H]   [S] Praise, the fourth son of Jacob by Leah. The name originated in Leah's words of praise to the Lord on account of his birth: "Now will I praise [Heb. odeh] Jehovah, and she called his name Yehudah"  (  Genesis 29:35  ). I remember the day we found out about Judah (that we were expecting him). It was a great surprise... But I could certainly identify with Leah.  God is worthy of praise!!!  The day we brought him home was even better. Indeed he not just brought joy into our lives, but he also seemed to draw us closer to God. His birth was our journey back... our second chance.  Today I sit here missing him like never before. I wonder whether or not I have it in me to Praise again... I read an article this morning that stated, "Grief rearranged my life. There is a lot of decisions to make now". This is exactly how I ...

Today is my first day of leave after a long and difficult eight months. so I left  Desiree and the kids with family and decided to go "get my head sorted out". I am still not really sure what I mean by that but writing usually helps, so here I am starring at the computer hoping to know what to write. It has been long, too long since I blogged... too long since I took time to process any of my emotions. So here goes... this is what I know.. . We made it through December... not so sure how well we did, but we made it through Judah's birthday and through Christmas all in one month. it was extremely difficult and very painful. At times we felt alone, abandoned and misunderstood, but somehow we made it.  The last two Decembers were great. It was as if Judah just brought the families together. We had a house full of people, when he was born the year before all the families came to visit and last year at his Baptism and yet again the house was full.....

Today we laid to rest a very dear friend. He was 73 years old. He lived a long, happy and fruitful life. He left a legacy of hard work and dedication. It was an honor to have known him and to be able to stand with his family as they laid their loved one to rest...  Being there was hard because just 7 months ago we were in the exact same church and at the exact same cemetery to say farewell to our little Judah. Memories of that day came flooding in... the emotions were as fresh today as they were then, but somehow today I was reminded of God's faithfulness... WOW! Saying that surprised me. I thought that I was going to write about the doom and gloom of the last 7 months but rather I want to say "THANK YOU LORD FOR YOUR FAITHFULNESS" . There were times when I doubted... times that I just wanted to hide my head and never face the world, but somehow, and I am really not sure how, but God pulled me through. We are still very much in pursuit of healing... or something that...

  For the last few weeks I have been feeling very cranky. The slightest little thing drives me into a rage... the positive side is that have been able to control my anger and have not exploded on anyone, yet... You see they (the clever people) tell me that this is a stage or a phase that is normal during grieving. That somehow this "abnormal" is normal ... I hate it!  Death has taken so much from me... now it's imposing feelings upon me that I do not want in my life. In fact, feelings that I do not need in my life. What use could I possible have for anger in my life right now? It feels like such a useless emotion... The worse is that I do not even know what exactly I am angry at. It just feels like I am angry at life ... Angry at the decisions I made in life... the decisions I did not make... people... situations... aaagh! Everything annoys me! What's the use? I really hate this feeling! Yes... I did say hate... it is how I feel... and now I am angry that I...

It was a great weekend, but it was also a tough weekend. You see, there are some important people, events and or things that remain with us forever...  This weekend (31 October) was Purley and Mikey's wedding celebrations. This was a very special... Both Mikey and Purley are very special to us and they both shared a very special bond with Judah.  They looked especially gorgeous and the wedding was special.  It was a beautiful day and the ceremony and festivities went down incredibly well and we pray that the Lord will continue to Bless them and increase His favour upon their lives... They certainly deserve it. For a moment, I think, I was able to convince my heart that it was okay to be happy...  However, in the midst of the perfection of the day... the happiness felt somewhat empty without my little Judah.  I wonder if it will always be this way. Will everything in life always contain the very present absence of Judah?  Will ...

One of the things that is hardest to deal with is when people (those who do not know me) ask me about my family. The question, "so how many kids do you have?" hurts. My answer is always, "I have three kids, one daughter and two sons"... and then I change the topic. Am I a coward for not wanting to share the fact that my little Judah lives on in heaven? Will I ever have the courage to talk about Judah freely to anyone willing to listen? I watched an interaction between a father and son at a funeral a few years back and for some reason I keep remembering the father telling his son, "you had a great grandfather" as if suddenly the relationship between Grandfather and Grandson comes to an end simply because the grandfather is not physically present. So, I am still a father of three... it is difficult to explain the relationship I have with my youngest son, but he lives on... not just in our hearts and memories but also in the presence of the Almig...