SUKKEL-VOORT - LIVING WITH GRIEF

Here I lie again... I thought I conquered it. I did so well, or so I thought. I burried my pain and sorrow deep within... I hid it behind my busy schedule, behind my new adventure, behind my new friendships, behind my spirituality... behind... way behind everything so deep that I thought it would never surface again. I got rid of it once and for all, but it's not that easy is it? You see  as much as I can pretent or as much as I may want to avoid the pain and sorrow it is always nearby. So here is my new, new plan. No more hidding... no more pretending... here I am... Again...😟 Tonight I miss my boy... more then ever. I feel the need to cry, but my tears are all dried up. All I feel is pain... the pain is pearcing through my back, my neck, my shoulders and my feet. My heart feels empty and my arms feel weak. I dont know how to deal with all this... as much as I experience this physical pain I know that it is mere a physical manifestation of what I have been avoiding for much t...

It is 11 Months since we lost our son. He drowned in the pool at our home. We had all the illusions of safety. We kept the faith... taught the kids the joy and dangers of swimming, kept the doors to pool closed, etc. Yet in the midst of ALL the precautions Judah got out to the pool somehow... and so began the most painful chapter in our lives, yet. After Judah died I put up the pool net.... not just of the physical pool at our home, but to the pool I dare to call my life. Occasionally I would venture out to swim in the pool of my life, but today, like most days ... I find myself grasping for air. You see, I have fallen into the pool of fear ... fear not of life or even death, but the fear of loosing .  I find myself holding on to everyone and everything I hold dear. So much so that I feel like I am drowning in the fear of loss and I might be dragging everyone down with me. I fear loosing my mind... not being able to rationalize my thinking... loosing my theolog...

(This Blog is special to me because it is the first one that Des and I actually wrote together… hopefully it’s not the last one.) I started this blog with an urgent need to write but not much to say, so I googled some sites that might help me make sense of some of my thoughts.  I came across the following quote,  "Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried."  Megan Devine   ( www.refugeingrief.com ) In all fairness I am probably  read  this completely out of context. Nevertheless... I hated the feeling that this quote awakened within me, because it goes against everything that I believe in and hold dear to.  How do I carry this feeling? How do I deal with this grief that cannot be fixed....  This is hard for me especially since my faith had always kind of leaned towards the, "God can and will fix everything that is broken. It is only these days that I am beginning...

The  Easton's Bible Dictionary defines Judah  the following way: Judah   [N]   [H]   [S] Praise, the fourth son of Jacob by Leah. The name originated in Leah's words of praise to the Lord on account of his birth: "Now will I praise [Heb. odeh] Jehovah, and she called his name Yehudah"  (  Genesis 29:35  ). I remember the day we found out about Judah (that we were expecting him). It was a great surprise... But I could certainly identify with Leah.  God is worthy of praise!!!  The day we brought him home was even better. Indeed he not just brought joy into our lives, but he also seemed to draw us closer to God. His birth was our journey back... our second chance.  Today I sit here missing him like never before. I wonder whether or not I have it in me to Praise again... I read an article this morning that stated, "Grief rearranged my life. There is a lot of decisions to make now". This is exactly how I ...

Today is my first day of leave after a long and difficult eight months. so I left  Desiree and the kids with family and decided to go "get my head sorted out". I am still not really sure what I mean by that but writing usually helps, so here I am starring at the computer hoping to know what to write. It has been long, too long since I blogged... too long since I took time to process any of my emotions. So here goes... this is what I know.. . We made it through December... not so sure how well we did, but we made it through Judah's birthday and through Christmas all in one month. it was extremely difficult and very painful. At times we felt alone, abandoned and misunderstood, but somehow we made it.  The last two Decembers were great. It was as if Judah just brought the families together. We had a house full of people, when he was born the year before all the families came to visit and last year at his Baptism and yet again the house was full.....

Today we laid to rest a very dear friend. He was 73 years old. He lived a long, happy and fruitful life. He left a legacy of hard work and dedication. It was an honor to have known him and to be able to stand with his family as they laid their loved one to rest...  Being there was hard because just 7 months ago we were in the exact same church and at the exact same cemetery to say farewell to our little Judah. Memories of that day came flooding in... the emotions were as fresh today as they were then, but somehow today I was reminded of God's faithfulness... WOW! Saying that surprised me. I thought that I was going to write about the doom and gloom of the last 7 months but rather I want to say "THANK YOU LORD FOR YOUR FAITHFULNESS" . There were times when I doubted... times that I just wanted to hide my head and never face the world, but somehow, and I am really not sure how, but God pulled me through. We are still very much in pursuit of healing... or something that...

  For the last few weeks I have been feeling very cranky. The slightest little thing drives me into a rage... the positive side is that have been able to control my anger and have not exploded on anyone, yet... You see they (the clever people) tell me that this is a stage or a phase that is normal during grieving. That somehow this "abnormal" is normal ... I hate it!  Death has taken so much from me... now it's imposing feelings upon me that I do not want in my life. In fact, feelings that I do not need in my life. What use could I possible have for anger in my life right now? It feels like such a useless emotion... The worse is that I do not even know what exactly I am angry at. It just feels like I am angry at life ... Angry at the decisions I made in life... the decisions I did not make... people... situations... aaagh! Everything annoys me! What's the use? I really hate this feeling! Yes... I did say hate... it is how I feel... and now I am angry that I...