I have the honor and
privilege, granted by the grace of God, to play a small part in caring for my Dad.
A little more than a year ago, Daddy was diagnosed with cancer and declared
terminal by doctors.
I cherish the opportunity to
sit by Daddy’s bedside from time to time. I do not consider this a small thing;
it is truly a privilege that not many get to experience.
As I sat next to Daddy’s bed
last night, watching him wrestle in his sleep, I found myself reflecting on my Daddy’s
battle with cancer. A whirlwind of emotions overwhelm me. Memories of my
mother’s illness, when I was just 15 years old, flooded back, my Mother in-laws
passing less then 2 months ago reminds me of life’s fragility and the weight of
grief.
Both Mom and Mommy fought bravely against the challenges of their sicknesses but eventually succumbed due to complications related to their sicknesses. As a son, I witnessed their strength and faith firsthand.
Now, facing the
possibility of losing my father, I feel both scared and weary. The doctor advised me to
research end-of-life symptoms. While this knowledge is essential, it is also
daunting. As my father enters this final stage, I need to be aware of certain
signs:
- Exhaustion
and Weakness: I’ve noticed Daddy becoming increasingly fatigued, often
preferring sleep over engaging in conversations or activities we once enjoyed
together.
- Loss
of Appetite: His interest in food has diminished significantly, which is
heartbreaking to witness.
- Changes
in Breathing: I’ve read about irregular breathing patterns and the “death
rattle,” and the thought of experiencing that fills me with dread.
- Confusion
or Delirium: Daddy has always been a numbers guy—a dreamer and a “make it
happen” kind of person. The idea that he might lose that part of himself and
become confused is terrifying; yet, it is slowly becoming our new reality.
- Physical
Changes: Watching him lose weight and vitality serves as a stark reminder that
time is slipping away.
Understanding these symptoms
helps me prepare for what lies ahead, but it doesn’t lessen the emotional
burden I carry.
As a Pastor, I strive to be a
pillar of strength for others, but right now, I feel vulnerable. Admitting this
is tough; I feel I can’t be both vulnerable and strong. Others need me, yet
this journey is exhausting. It weighs heavily on me—especially after having to
leave my father while he is unwell to conduct memorial services or counselling sessions for dear
congregants and their families. It is difficult, but I must admit that the
bereaved families inspired me; their tears mirrored some of my own fears—I can’t
help but think, “what if we are next?” At the same time the "break away" from Daddy's sickbed helps me regroup and find courage... yet even saying that makes me feel... guilty... I guess... don't know...
In these moments of despair, confusion, and a strange hopefulness I’ve learned to find some solace in certain practices:
- Seeking
Support: Connecting with fellow pastors, family and friends who understand this journey
has been invaluable. Sharing my fears and experiences provides a sense of
community that reminds me I’m not alone. My wife has been my pillar of strength…
having just stood at the graveside of her mother, she still finds the time and energy
to support me.
- Prioritizing
Self-Care: It’s easy to neglect my own needs while caring for my father and
others. However, I’m learning that taking time for myself—whether through
prayer, meditation, or simply enjoying a good cup of coffee—is essential for
recharging my spirit.
- Leaning
on My Faith: My faith has always been a source of strength. In prayer, I find
comfort and guidance. Trusting in God’s goodness and grace helps me navigate
this tumultuous season.
- - Honoring
My Parent’s Memory: Reflecting on the bravery of my mother, mother in-law and inspires
me to embody that same resilience. They taught me the importance of never
giving up, even when faced with life’s harshest realities.
Daddy’s cool demeanor and
playful nature—steadfast in his faith—encourage me to hold on, press on, and
remember to find humor even in tough times.
As I grapple with the
impending loss of my father, it’s crucial for me to acknowledge both my pain
and the love surrounding us. Each moment spent with him is precious; every
shared memory is a treasure.
In this journey through grief,
I remind myself that it’s okay to feel weak—this vulnerability is part of being
human. As I navigate these difficult waters, I hold onto hope and faith. My
father has shown immense strength throughout his illness, and as his youngest
son (Baba Seun), I strive to honor his legacy by remaining steadfast in love and support.
While the road ahead may be
fraught with challenges, it also presents an opportunity for profound
connection... Connecting to God and others.
By preparing myself with
knowledge about end-of-life signs and leaning into my faith community for
support, I can find a way forward amidst the pain. This journey may be painful,
but it is also filled with moments of grace that remind me of the love we share
as a family.
Attending my Dad's funeral was one of the toughest moments I
experienced in a long while, yet it filled me with so much hope. Daddy’s life
seemed to be filled with so much light amidst the dark tunnels or moments. Listening
to and seeing how a simple person, who some might have condemned or seen as
insignificant, offered so much light to the world, was truly inspiring. My
dad's ability to always get up and fight one more time despite the obstacles,
his ability to admit his flaws and own his mistakes and thus overcome them,
gives me hope. It provides a guiding light through the dark valley of death.
In the end, dealing with grief and trauma is not easy, but
it can lead us to profound insights and a deeper understanding of hope. By
embracing our vulnerabilities and seeking support, whether through faith,
therapy, or community, we can navigate the darkest moments and find a way
forward. As we move through the grieving process, we can honor the memory of
our loved ones by living our lives with purpose and hope.
