In my brokenness

Psalm 55:6 

And I say, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest;(ESV)

Today I felt like running away. I felt the pain was just unbearable. How will I ever shake this pain? If only I had wings to fly away.

I attended our Church Synod and part of the meeting was the celebration of the call of people in the ministry of word and sacrament. As I was listening to a young man articulate his calling into the ministry it dawned on me that I might never be able to articulate the real sense of brokenness I feel inside of me, but one thing that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that my God is with me. It is He who called me to touch the lives of others... even if it is only in my brokenness. Henri Nouwen writes, “The man who articulate the movements of his inner life, who can give names to his varied experiences, need no longer be a victim of himself, but is able slowly and consistently to remove the obstacles that prevent the spirit from entering. He is able to create space for Him whose heart is greater than his, whose eyes see more than his, and whose hands can heal more than his.” (The Wounded Healer: Ministry in Contemporary Society)

So here I end my day with tears flowing down my cheeks, coming to terms with the brokenness that is in and around me. Brokenness that I might never be able to understand or explain completely, yet I will endeavour to no longer be a victim, allowing my tears to be the balm that will bring some healing for others... The Lord being my helper!

So I end my thoughts today with the thoughts of Henri Nouwen, "The great illusion of leadership is to think that man can be led out of the desert by someone who has never been there."

― Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Wounded Healer: Ministry in Contemporary Society

Enjoy the Moments

Today a month ago you were taken from us. Some say, "God only takes the best." I say, "why give you to me in the first place; if only to rip you from my arms." I cannot explain the pain I feel today. My heart is torn-a-part, my soul is aching. Every part of who I am longs to see your smile, to hear you call to me... to see you enjoy the moments that life offered you.

And so even thou I cannot understand why you were given only to be taken... I will learn a lesson from your short life... I will enjoy the brief moments of joy... of laughter... few as they might be. I pledge to you my boy, "Daddy will find a moment every day just to smile."

The Broken Lollipop

Trying to be a brave Daddy, I sucked up the pain and mustered up the courage and faced the day that was before us. I promised myself that nothing this terrible will never happen on my watch again. I will do whatever necessary to protect my kids and my wife. 

It went reasonably well... I had some sense of peace knowing that I did well today. My family is safe. Until... we came to the end of the day. Running the last errant  of the day, making sure to pick up my daughters homework before she has to return to school. Our second born in the car with us suddenly says, "Mommy! You know that day when my brother went to heaven was the saddest day in my life. I did not want to let him go. I miss him so much." There was dead quiet in the car when suddenly he said (looking at his lollipop), "you know when my lollipop is crushed and it breaks, that is how my heart is broken."

My question to myself is, "how do I help my precious boy  put his lollipop back together again?"

The lollipop is broken, all we can do is try and remember its sweetness.In all I did that day... with all the things I tried to do to protect my children that day and today... I cannot put their hearts together again...

How will I ever make sense of this?

6 April 2015 

My worst nightmare does not compare to the pain and anguish I experienced that day. 

The day started pretty amazing, actually. I woke up after a fantastic weekend feeling very excited and happy about life. I have a really nice life... I am pursuing my calling and living my dream... God had blessed me with a beautiful wife and three amazing kids. "We don't have a lot of material things but we have everything that is necessary to live a happy life, my kids are happy and are learning about their faith and how to appreciate the things that really matters," I remember thinking. 

How could a day that started so right... so full of hope... leave me feeling so empty and void, betrayed and utterly devastated, so utterly conflicted? How will I ever make sense of this?

So I decided write this blog in an attempt to try and make sense of what's going on. 

So here goes...

On the 6 April my son drowned in our pool at home... Yoh! that was hard to write. Everything inside of me is screaming, Don't say that!!!! Don't admit to the world that your 15 month old son died. That under your watch your precious little boy died... You see here is the thing... It is my responsibility to protect and care for my wife and kids... and by writing this I have to admit to my self that I am somehow to blame for the greatest pain that my wife and kids would ever experience in their lives... If only I had been more diligent. If only I was a better person... If only I was more perceptive... If only I...  I should have made sure the gate to the pool was locked and secure.  

Everyone tells me, "Don't blame yourself" "its not your fault" "God is Sovereign and knows your pain" "God alone knows and God will bring you healing". "Don't blame yourself of God" "These things happen... it was just and accident". 

But you see I can not live with the idea that no one is to blame. It is either my fault or Gods fault and 

My boy was just too perfect... too wonderful... too full of life for me to think that his death was just an accident, something that happens because BAD things happen. 

If anyone is out there to help me understand and make sense of it all, please share your thoughts with me