SUKKEL-VOORT - LIVING WITH GRIEF

"Living in the light makes it easier to sing in the storm." (Rev Christopher Saaiman) These words have been ringing in my ears ever since I heard them. So I got up Sunday morning very intentional about singing through the storm. It was the first Mother's day without Judah, I knew it was going to be a difficult day,  but I was gonna put on a brave face and sing through the storm. But my faith let me down (or so it seemed) when I could not convince my heart that The Light didn't cause the storm. You see it was easy to convince my heart to sing when I could conveniently blame someone or something else for the storms within my life... but when my theology or understanding of God and what God does or allow doesn't match the neat boxes that I created, it all falls apart. Grief is messy... It is messing up all of what I believe to be true, true about God and true about myself. You see... I was deceiving myself thinking that I was gonna sing through the storm....

Psalm 55:6  And I say, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove!  I would fly away and be at rest; (ESV) Today I felt like running away. I felt the pain was just unbearable. How will I ever shake this pain? If only I had wings to fly away. I attended our Church Synod and part of the meeting was the celebration of the call of people in the ministry of word and sacrament. As I was listening to a young man articulate his calling into the ministry it dawned on me that I might never be able to articulate the real sense of brokenness I feel inside of me, but one thing that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that my God is with me. It is He who called me to touch the lives of others... even if it is only in my brokenness. Henri Nouwen writes, “The man who articulate the movements of his inner life, who can give names to his varied experiences, need no longer be a victim of himself, but is able slowly and consistently to remove the obstacles that prevent the spirit from en...

Today a month ago you were taken from us. Some say, "God only takes the best." I say, "why give you to me in the first place; if only to rip you from my arms." I cannot explain the pain I feel today. My heart is torn-a-part, my soul is aching. Every part of who I am longs to see your smile, to hear you call to me... to see you enjoy the moments that life offered you. And so even thou I cannot understand why you were given only to be taken... I will learn a lesson from your short life... I will enjoy the brief moments of joy... of laughter... few as they might be. I pledge to you my boy, "Daddy will find a moment every day just to smile."

Trying to be a brave Daddy, I sucked up the pain and mustered up the courage and faced the day that was before us. I promised myself that nothing this terrible will never happen on my watch again. I will do whatever necessary to protect my kids and my wife.  It went reasonably well... I had some sense of peace knowing that I did well today. My family is safe. Until... we came to the end of the day. Running the last errant  of the day, making sure to pick up my daughters homework before she has to return to school. Our second born in the car with us suddenly says, "Mommy! You know that day when my brother went to heaven was the saddest day in my life. I did not want to let him go. I miss him so much." There was dead quiet in the car when suddenly he said (looking at his lollipop), "you know when my lollipop is crushed and it breaks, that is how my heart is broken." My question to myself is, "how do I help my precious boy  put his lollipop back together again...

6 April 2015  My worst nightmare does not compare to the pain and anguish I experienced that day.  The day started pretty amazing, actually. I woke up after a fantastic weekend feeling very excited and happy about life. I have a really nice life... I am pursuing my calling and living my dream... God had blessed me with a beautiful wife and three amazing kids. "We don't have a lot of material things but we have everything that is necessary to live a happy life, my kids are happy and are learning about their faith and how to appreciate the things that really matters," I remember thinking.  How could a day that started so right... so full of hope... leave me feeling so empty and void, betrayed and utterly devastated, so utterly conflicted? How will I ever make sense of this? So I decided write this blog in an attempt to try and make sense of what's going on.  So here goes... On the 6 April my son drowned in our pool at home... Yoh! that was hard to ...