:)

Today is my first day of leave after a long and difficult eight months. so I left  Desiree and the kids with family and decided to go "get my head sorted out". I am still not really sure what I mean by that but writing usually helps, so here I am starring at the computer hoping to know what to write. It has been long, too long since I blogged... too long since I took time to process any of my emotions.

So here goes... this is what I know...

We made it through December... not so sure how well we did, but we made it through Judah's birthday and through Christmas all in one month. it was extremely difficult and very painful. At times we felt alone, abandoned and misunderstood, but somehow we made it. 

The last two Decembers were great. It was as if Judah just brought the families together. We had a house full of people, when he was born the year before all the families came to visit and last year at his Baptism and yet again the house was full... full of people, full of joy. This was the exact opposite... The house was empty... dull and sad. It was almost as if our grief imposed on other's joy.

I have a sense that Desiree and the kids are tired and that they (We) need some much deserving TLC. We have been planning for a while now to go to Namibia, to visit family and friends... But we had car trouble... but if all goes well, we will be on the road in just a few days. 

I actually cant wait. I am longing to just "be"... I have not been able to let  my guard down  for the last few weeks (as I write that a tear roles down my cheek) and... I think,  the best place for me to do so (to just "be") is on my Daddy's lap... gosh, I hope I haven't out grown it yet. 

I miss holding Judah on my lap... to feel his tiny hands play with my face... I wonder what size his hands would have been now. What funny or clever thing he would have done... Agh... I don't know if this is helping... My head is all over the place... 

So this is what I make of all of this... 

I have come to the conclusion that I can not get to a conclusion... at least not one that I will be happy with. I am not sure about anything at the moment but Life goes on... it doesn't stop simply because I am going through a particularly difficult time. 

So I wipe my tears away, put on the best smile (even if I have to fake it) because people don't like grumpy sad people around them and I live life best I can. At times that means having to lean on others (thank you to all my pillars of strength), but most of the time it just means faking it and placing my faith in God. 

This last part is a hard and confusing... It freaks me out at times, but it keeps me going. Let me explain. 

Placing my faith in God is difficult, near impossible at times because I still at times feel like God has failed me, BUT placing my faith in God is also the only thing that got me through this nightmare. 

Even when I felt like friends and family expected me to move on through this grieving thing... I somehow always knew God was patiently walking with me, even when I blamed Him and pretended that I don't need him. God carried me... Let me rephrase, God carries me. I know I wont always get this faith thing or this grieving thing or the healing thing right but God gets it right 100% of the time. So By faith I walk into 2016... By faith I say we are well... we will make it through even tomorrow.

That I might breath again...

Today we laid to rest a very dear friend. He was 73 years old. He lived a long, happy and fruitful life. He left a legacy of hard work and dedication. It was an honor to have known him and to be able to stand with his family as they laid their loved one to rest... 

Being there was hard because just 7 months ago we were in the exact same church and at the exact same cemetery to say farewell to our little Judah. Memories of that day came flooding in... the emotions were as fresh today as they were then, but somehow today I was reminded of God's faithfulness... WOW! Saying that surprised me. I thought that I was going to write about the doom and gloom of the last 7 months but rather I want to say "THANK YOU LORD FOR YOUR FAITHFULNESS". There were times when I doubted... times that I just wanted to hide my head and never face the world, but somehow, and I am really not sure how, but God pulled me through.

We are still very much in pursuit of healing... or something that resembles healing. I do not think that our hearts will ever be fixed, but I do believe that we can somehow convince these aching hearts to beat to a bit of a different tune...

A dear friend sent us a note that simple said, "I pray that God will help you breath again". Never was a better prayer prayed... that we might breath again! Today I thought I was going to be reminded about the suffocation of death... but rather... seeing the wonderful friends and family stand with this bereaved family, I heard the Lord say, " this is how you breath again. Stand strong with those who need you most and allow yourself to be "stood by". 

Now 219 days, infected by grieve, I sit here amazed that I managed to find moments where I can breath. 

Another Useless Emotion?????????

 For the last few weeks I have been feeling very cranky. The slightest little thing drives me into a rage... the positive side is that have been able to control my anger and have not exploded on anyone, yet... You see they (the clever people) tell me that this is a stage or a phase that is normal during grieving. That somehow this "abnormal" is normal... I hate it! 

Death has taken so much from me... now it's imposing feelings upon me that I do not want in my life. In fact, feelings that I do not need in my life. What use could I possible have for anger in my life right now? It feels like such a useless emotion... The worse is that I do not even know what exactly I am angry at. It just feels like I am angry at life... Angry at the decisions I made in life... the decisions I did not make... people... situations... aaagh! Everything annoys me! What's the use? I really hate this feeling! Yes... I did say hate... it is how I feel... and now I am angry that I am angry...what's wrong with me... This is so frustrating!            

So if I seem irritable and I seem to be picking a fight with you... bear with me and give me a hug... 
Over that last few week the thing that keeps ringing in my ears is, "...BUT the greatest of these is love."(1 Corinthians 13:13) Love truly overcomes all... even the wrath of a grieving father.  

The very Present Absence

It was a great weekend, but it was also a tough weekend. You see, there are some important people, events and or things that remain with us forever... 

This weekend (31 October) was Purley and Mikey's wedding celebrations. This was a very special... Both Mikey and Purley are very special to us and they both shared a very special bond with Judah.  They looked especially gorgeous and the wedding was special. 

It was a beautiful day and the ceremony and festivities went down incredibly well and we pray that the Lord will continue to Bless them and increase His favour upon their lives... They certainly deserve it.

For a moment, I think, I was able to convince my heart that it was okay to be happy... 

However, in the midst of the perfection of the day... the happiness felt somewhat empty without my little Judah. 

I wonder if it will always be this way. Will everything in life always contain the very present absence of Judah?  Will even the greatest moments we share always remind us of what we no longer have or is there a way to remember Judah, in a way that is helpful and real?

My prayer at this point in life is that we can find a way to process the pain (or any other emotion related to this) more constructively... That somehow we will be able find a way to live with this ever present absence... 

You see, the thing with this is not just that you feel the pain of the loss, but also the guilt of robbing others of the joy of the(ir) celebrations. It feels, at times, as if those close to you can see right into the depths of your soul and see the emptiness of your joy and happiness... and other times it annoys you that those that were suppose to see into your soul did not... it's a terrible black-hole that sucks you in. 

It is incredibly tiring trying to make it work. At times we pretend things to be okay, so much so that we fool ourselves into believing that all is okay. This is often to our detriment, all it does is push the feelings deeper down into a dark corner, somewhere in our hearts. After this weekend we were all sick. I can’t help but think that maybe it was because we were suppressing the overwhelming emotions of the weekend.

 Will I... Will we ever be able to live with this ever present absence?

"We miss you Judah... nothing will ever be the same without you!"

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Please view this link and take the time to watch this video

http://chrisguillebeau.com/megan-devine/

Father of Three

One of the things that is hardest to deal with is when people (those who do not know me) ask me about my family. The question, "so how many kids do you have?" hurts. My answer is always, "I have three kids, one daughter and two sons"... and then I change the topic.

Am I a coward for not wanting to share the fact that my little Judah lives on in heaven? Will I ever have the courage to talk about Judah freely to anyone willing to listen? I watched an interaction between a father and son at a funeral a few years back and for some reason I keep remembering the father telling his son, "you had a great grandfather" as if suddenly the relationship between Grandfather and Grandson comes to an end simply because the grandfather is not physically present.

So, I am still a father of three... it is difficult to explain the relationship I have with my youngest son, but he lives on... not just in our hearts and memories but also in the presence of the Almighty. Judah is part of our lives everyday... Everything we do reminds us of him. Everything is different because of him... there is never a moment that we do not think, "if Judah was here..." We remember very fondly his first steps....his precious smile and the warmth of his love and his gracious interaction with our lives... and we will keep that part of him very close to us all the time. 

I still remember hearing that we were expecting. It was very unexpected. I was at Seminary, intending to study for the next 3-5 years, but Judah changed that in a moments notice. I gladly set my studies aside to go work so that we could prepare for his arrival. He changed our lives then and he has changed the way we do life, even now. 

Judah is definitely still very part of our lives. He is our youngest son. The brother to the most awesome and resilient Jathni-el and Jeriah. We can never deny the impact he has had and will continue to have upon our lives.

Finding Purpose

I am sitting at the hospital were Judah was born. My heart ♥ remembers this place very fondly. This is, for me, a place of hope... Or at least it use to be. Now, however, it simply reminds me of what I have lost... For the last week or two I have been struggling with going home... Because that is where we lost Judah. I am constantly reminded of what I no longer have in my life.

As I write this, my mind and my heart disagrees with each other... and I am not really sure which is which but,  the one that knows better is saying, "This is not right... We cannot afford to lose happy moments from our lives. Places of hope and joy must become more, not less... Redeem! Redeem these moments! Redemption is necessary."

I like this thought and I want nothing more, but how realistic is this idea? The question is, "How do we redeem these moments... How do we keep the positive places happy? How can we ever expect to live in the midst of death? This for me becomes the key... Discovering the answer to these questions, in my humble opinion, will go a long way in coming to terms with our loss, thus redeeming these precious moments in our lives...

My wife seems to think that it is all about finding a purpose in the chaos. If we can somehow find something good and bring that to life then we can redeem this whole experience... I can agree with this as long as it does not become about finding a reason why this had to happen... I think that it's important to differentiate between finding purpose and looking for a reason. Finding purpose in the chaos and pain I believe brings meaning and hope, whilst looking for a reason seeks to assign blame.

Finding purpose in this chaos is absolutely essential... So... pray for my family and I (and the countless others struggling with grief) as we seek to find purpose and meaning. The path to purpose and meaning, I think is not easy, partly because of the great value we assign to the ones we have lost, but also because it is so much easier to assign blame. We often blame ourselves or others because the alternative is so much harder.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 English Standard Version (ESV)

You make us stronger...

Grieving has been and it continues to be hard, especially because we are a family that is in ministry. It is during times such as these that people look to see how we deal with things... "When the shoe is on the other foot". This is something , I guess, that comes with the territory.

For that reason I have chosen not to hide my true feelings. To share my journey with grief as openly and honestly as possible... It's been hard, but the people God surrounded us with, during this time, have been phenomenal. So though it has been difficult I managed somehow thus far to keep my head up high and to push forward.

But I must admit, the toughest... the worst of all is seeing the effect grief has on my family. Watching our daughter battle with her emotions and the responsibility of being the eldest sibling. Seeing our son as he struggles to verbalize and  make sense of this all. Watching my wife, my awesome... incredible wife face this (new, yet somewhat familiar) enemy called grief and somehow manage to get us all through the day... it's is incredibly hard... At the moment (for those wondering) we are struggling. We need your prayers. We need your support... We know that it is probably just as difficult for you as it is for us, but do not give up on us just yet... We appreciate you!

Our friends and family has been a great support. Thank you! It is only through your prayers and support that we made it thus far. We know that The Lord added you to our lives and we are grateful that you have agreed to be our companions on this journey. 

I recognize that this journey (alongside us) is often confusing... The one moment we want space the next we long desperately for companionship... just know that right now in our lives, it is not so much that you say or do the right thing. It is just great that you do and say something at all... Your presence (in whatever form - physical or on the other end of a message or telephone call) means the world to us... I am probably rambling, but thank you that you read thus far. That you took the time to try and get what's going on in my heart. I have received all your whatsapp messages... your  inbox messages and emails and it keeps me going. Thanks!!! I can not even begin to tell you how much it all means to us.