Drowning in the pool of fear...

It is 11 Months since we lost our son. He drowned in the pool at our home. We had all the illusions of safety. We kept the faith... taught the kids the joy and dangers of swimming, kept the doors to pool closed, etc. Yet in the midst of ALL the precautions Judah got out to the pool somehow... and so began the most painful chapter in our lives, yet.

After Judah died I put up the pool net.... not just of the physical pool at our home, but to the pool I dare to call my life. Occasionally I would venture out to swim in the pool of my life, but today, like most days ... I find myself grasping for air. You see, I have fallen into the pool of fear... fear not of life or even death, but the fear of loosing.  I find myself holding on to everyone and everything I hold dear. So much so that I feel like I am drowning in the fear of loss and I might be dragging everyone down with me.

I fear loosing my mind... not being able to rationalize my thinking... loosing my theology... not being able to find adequate words to describe my faith. I fear loosing my identity... not recognizing the person in the mirror and worst of all loosing my wife and kids... because life as I use to live is no longer a viable option.

As I wrestle with this notion I come to the conclusion that the only way for me to survive (I really want to survive and live) this struggle in the pool of fear is to swim... to kick as hard as I can and to realize the the life guard is already in the water with me... the problem is that I am fighting so much to stay alive that I am not allowing the life guard to pull me out.

Help! I don't want to drown. 

Peter and the disciples of Jesus found themselves in a storm... the other disciples were as good as dead because they were drowning in the pool of fear, right there in the safety of their boat... Peter risked it and said, If that is you Lord call me to walk on the water to you. I must be honest enough to admit that I do not know if I have the courage to say as Peter did, but my survival depends on it. The Survival of my family and love ones depend on it. So here goes...

Lord... I am scared... I don't want to drown... If that is you call me out... command me to walk on the waters of fear to you. I give myself over to your will for my life... NOW MORE THEN EVER BEFORE!

That sucks!!! (I Thought) by Roger And Desiree

(This Blog is special to me because it is the first one that Des and I actually wrote together… hopefully it’s not the last one.)

I started this blog with an urgent need to write but not much to say, so I googled some sites that might help me make sense of some of my thoughts. 

I came across the following quote, "Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried." Megan Devine  (www.refugeingrief.com) In all fairness I am probably read this completely out of context. Nevertheless...

I hated the feeling that this quote awakened within me, because it goes against everything that I believe in and hold dear to.  How do I carry this feeling? How do I deal with this grief that cannot be fixed.... 

This is hard for me especially since my faith had always kind of leaned towards the, "God can and will fix everything that is broken. It is only these days that I am beginning to see things differently. I must admit that I do not like that notion... It is easier for me to believe that things will be fixed... then to believe that I will be expected to carry this brokenness within me. 

We are now entering Lent... A time for reflection…  A time of greater awareness of the suffering of Christ and what that means for us.... I am anxious about lent, because I am aware that I would have to deal with these issues of grief that I have been avoiding all along. As I reflect on this, even now, I begin to see a shift in my thinking... maybe healing is not fixing, but rather discovering how to carry our loads to Christ. 

Whilst I am on about Lent... 

Allow me, please, to meander and ramble on a bit... Last year lent was very special to us, as a family... For Desiree in particular… So we are really not all that keen to reflect this year. Let me explain... Last year we gave our best in terms of our lent commitments... Judah, made our little family complete and we were extremely grateful to God for that... and gave our best and still the year turned out to be our worst…

The most sacred period of our faith, which is the journey to the cross, has  become replaced with the journey  to our darkest moment, the journey to the death of our son.  We lost Judah tragically in a drowning on Easter Monday.  This celebration can never quite be the same again.  Lent will forever be connected to our deepest pain. While others are excited about Ash Wednesday, the start of the 40 day spiritual journey, to us it reminds us of the last 40 days we had with Judah, and we didn't even know it at the time.  While others, rightly so, are excited about the fasting and wait for that breakthrough and healing after the fasting, we dread it. Simply because our fasting last year wasn't met with a breakthrough but a breakdown…

Naturally, this year we are reluctant to fully participate. That being said...  on further reflection, I think we are beginning to see that just maybe our definition of Healing is the problem. Just maybe healing is not equal to fixing... just maybe giving our best to God, especially during a time such as Lent does not make us special... so as to prevent suffering and hurt or even heal suffering and hurt, but rather that it points out our real dependence on God. 

This year we are focusing our teaching at Church about Lent on "Becoming Whole, as we become aware of brokenness". My prayer is that we as a family would be able to engage this Lenten period, deepening our relationship with Christ, becoming more and more aware the brokenness not just in our lives but also in the lives of others and therefore begin to become whole and enable wholeness in their lives... 

So with this in mind my amended version of the quote by Megan Devine would be something like this, "Some things in life cannot be fixed (healed). They can only be carried (to Christ)." You see healing or fixing, even if it seems unredeemable in my eyes, will take on new meaning in Christ... For indeed Christ makes all things new.

When Praise Dies...

The Easton's Bible Dictionary defines Judah the following way:

Judah [N] [H] [S]

Praise, the fourth son of Jacob by Leah. The name originated in Leah's words of praise to the Lord on account of his birth: "Now will I praise [Heb. odeh] Jehovah, and she called his name Yehudah" ( Genesis 29:35 ).

I remember the day we found out about Judah (that we were expecting him). It was a great surprise... But I could certainly identify with Leah. God is worthy of praise!!! The day we brought him home was even better. Indeed he not just brought joy into our lives, but he also seemed to draw us closer to God. His birth was our journey back... our second chance. 

Today I sit here missing him like never before. I wonder whether or not I have it in me to Praise again... I read an article this morning that stated, "Grief rearranged my life. There is a lot of decisions to make now". This is exactly how I feel. Everyday is a decision to live... to get out of bed, search for hope and face the day.

Judah... for me... used to mean "praise to God", but has now become "depend on God"... depend on God more and more. This is the best I can do at the moment and it will have to do. No more pretending, no more masks. Just me, depending on God every moment of every day! 

So I ask myself the question, "How can Praise bring Pain?" the only answer I have is that it can not! Or can it? Should it? Would it? I don't know... but this is what I know... My God is faithful and can bring forth praise from pain; right now I might not know it... I might not see it... But this pain can only give birth to awesome praise... 

Today is especially painful... I feel paralysed by the pain. I am not sure how I got out of bed this morning or if I will make it through the day. But my faith has taught me that no matter how dark the nights are the day is sure to come. That no matter how heavy my heart might be... Jesus is strong enough to carry it all. I know it sound like sensationalistic and over-simplistic, but this is all I have left for today.

What else is there to do when praise has died and only pain remain? As I write this I got a simple message from my wife, "... we are in this together." Immediately I was reminded that after all what remains is LOVE. 

Love will overcome this pain! Love will restore my Praise in God! Love will conquer all!

:)

Today is my first day of leave after a long and difficult eight months. so I left  Desiree and the kids with family and decided to go "get my head sorted out". I am still not really sure what I mean by that but writing usually helps, so here I am starring at the computer hoping to know what to write. It has been long, too long since I blogged... too long since I took time to process any of my emotions.

So here goes... this is what I know...

We made it through December... not so sure how well we did, but we made it through Judah's birthday and through Christmas all in one month. it was extremely difficult and very painful. At times we felt alone, abandoned and misunderstood, but somehow we made it. 

The last two Decembers were great. It was as if Judah just brought the families together. We had a house full of people, when he was born the year before all the families came to visit and last year at his Baptism and yet again the house was full... full of people, full of joy. This was the exact opposite... The house was empty... dull and sad. It was almost as if our grief imposed on other's joy.

I have a sense that Desiree and the kids are tired and that they (We) need some much deserving TLC. We have been planning for a while now to go to Namibia, to visit family and friends... But we had car trouble... but if all goes well, we will be on the road in just a few days. 

I actually cant wait. I am longing to just "be"... I have not been able to let  my guard down  for the last few weeks (as I write that a tear roles down my cheek) and... I think,  the best place for me to do so (to just "be") is on my Daddy's lap... gosh, I hope I haven't out grown it yet. 

I miss holding Judah on my lap... to feel his tiny hands play with my face... I wonder what size his hands would have been now. What funny or clever thing he would have done... Agh... I don't know if this is helping... My head is all over the place... 

So this is what I make of all of this... 

I have come to the conclusion that I can not get to a conclusion... at least not one that I will be happy with. I am not sure about anything at the moment but Life goes on... it doesn't stop simply because I am going through a particularly difficult time. 

So I wipe my tears away, put on the best smile (even if I have to fake it) because people don't like grumpy sad people around them and I live life best I can. At times that means having to lean on others (thank you to all my pillars of strength), but most of the time it just means faking it and placing my faith in God. 

This last part is a hard and confusing... It freaks me out at times, but it keeps me going. Let me explain. 

Placing my faith in God is difficult, near impossible at times because I still at times feel like God has failed me, BUT placing my faith in God is also the only thing that got me through this nightmare. 

Even when I felt like friends and family expected me to move on through this grieving thing... I somehow always knew God was patiently walking with me, even when I blamed Him and pretended that I don't need him. God carried me... Let me rephrase, God carries me. I know I wont always get this faith thing or this grieving thing or the healing thing right but God gets it right 100% of the time. So By faith I walk into 2016... By faith I say we are well... we will make it through even tomorrow.

That I might breath again...

Today we laid to rest a very dear friend. He was 73 years old. He lived a long, happy and fruitful life. He left a legacy of hard work and dedication. It was an honor to have known him and to be able to stand with his family as they laid their loved one to rest... 

Being there was hard because just 7 months ago we were in the exact same church and at the exact same cemetery to say farewell to our little Judah. Memories of that day came flooding in... the emotions were as fresh today as they were then, but somehow today I was reminded of God's faithfulness... WOW! Saying that surprised me. I thought that I was going to write about the doom and gloom of the last 7 months but rather I want to say "THANK YOU LORD FOR YOUR FAITHFULNESS". There were times when I doubted... times that I just wanted to hide my head and never face the world, but somehow, and I am really not sure how, but God pulled me through.

We are still very much in pursuit of healing... or something that resembles healing. I do not think that our hearts will ever be fixed, but I do believe that we can somehow convince these aching hearts to beat to a bit of a different tune...

A dear friend sent us a note that simple said, "I pray that God will help you breath again". Never was a better prayer prayed... that we might breath again! Today I thought I was going to be reminded about the suffocation of death... but rather... seeing the wonderful friends and family stand with this bereaved family, I heard the Lord say, " this is how you breath again. Stand strong with those who need you most and allow yourself to be "stood by". 

Now 219 days, infected by grieve, I sit here amazed that I managed to find moments where I can breath. 

Another Useless Emotion?????????

 For the last few weeks I have been feeling very cranky. The slightest little thing drives me into a rage... the positive side is that have been able to control my anger and have not exploded on anyone, yet... You see they (the clever people) tell me that this is a stage or a phase that is normal during grieving. That somehow this "abnormal" is normal... I hate it! 

Death has taken so much from me... now it's imposing feelings upon me that I do not want in my life. In fact, feelings that I do not need in my life. What use could I possible have for anger in my life right now? It feels like such a useless emotion... The worse is that I do not even know what exactly I am angry at. It just feels like I am angry at life... Angry at the decisions I made in life... the decisions I did not make... people... situations... aaagh! Everything annoys me! What's the use? I really hate this feeling! Yes... I did say hate... it is how I feel... and now I am angry that I am angry...what's wrong with me... This is so frustrating!            

So if I seem irritable and I seem to be picking a fight with you... bear with me and give me a hug... 
Over that last few week the thing that keeps ringing in my ears is, "...BUT the greatest of these is love."(1 Corinthians 13:13) Love truly overcomes all... even the wrath of a grieving father.  

The very Present Absence

It was a great weekend, but it was also a tough weekend. You see, there are some important people, events and or things that remain with us forever... 

This weekend (31 October) was Purley and Mikey's wedding celebrations. This was a very special... Both Mikey and Purley are very special to us and they both shared a very special bond with Judah.  They looked especially gorgeous and the wedding was special. 

It was a beautiful day and the ceremony and festivities went down incredibly well and we pray that the Lord will continue to Bless them and increase His favour upon their lives... They certainly deserve it.

For a moment, I think, I was able to convince my heart that it was okay to be happy... 

However, in the midst of the perfection of the day... the happiness felt somewhat empty without my little Judah. 

I wonder if it will always be this way. Will everything in life always contain the very present absence of Judah?  Will even the greatest moments we share always remind us of what we no longer have or is there a way to remember Judah, in a way that is helpful and real?

My prayer at this point in life is that we can find a way to process the pain (or any other emotion related to this) more constructively... That somehow we will be able find a way to live with this ever present absence... 

You see, the thing with this is not just that you feel the pain of the loss, but also the guilt of robbing others of the joy of the(ir) celebrations. It feels, at times, as if those close to you can see right into the depths of your soul and see the emptiness of your joy and happiness... and other times it annoys you that those that were suppose to see into your soul did not... it's a terrible black-hole that sucks you in. 

It is incredibly tiring trying to make it work. At times we pretend things to be okay, so much so that we fool ourselves into believing that all is okay. This is often to our detriment, all it does is push the feelings deeper down into a dark corner, somewhere in our hearts. After this weekend we were all sick. I can’t help but think that maybe it was because we were suppressing the overwhelming emotions of the weekend.

 Will I... Will we ever be able to live with this ever present absence?

"We miss you Judah... nothing will ever be the same without you!"

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Please view this link and take the time to watch this video

http://chrisguillebeau.com/megan-devine/