SUKKEL-VOORT - LIVING WITH GRIEF

27 December 2015, I blogged looking forward to 2016 and thinking, “I might just make it." Today almost three years later I'm thinking, “what were you thinking... This grieving thing is too much to handle!!!!!” As I write that a bunch of things are going through my heart and mind. I feel a failure... pretentious... and a whole bunch of things I never wanted to be. A very well meaning person that I love and respect told me a few days ago that he thinks that it is about time I get up and face my grief and move on. WOW! That really struck a nerve. I did not know what to say or do after that. I thought, “Isn’t that what I have been trying to do?” Then I thought a few other things that I can’t dare to say out loud or write down. BUT really... is it really time to move on from my grief? Is that even possible? How would I do that? Could I really have grown stuck in despair? WHAT’S GOING ON? I don’t like this feeling... It sucks! Seriously... Is this guy serious? How do you ...

Grief makes me mad! It imposes on my life all the time! So I sat down to "declutter" my life, hoping to delete all the "mad", only to discover a precious gift. Have you ever received the perfect gift... or have you been given a gift that you feel you did not deserve? I think those are the best gifts, not just to receive but also to give. However, all too often gifts are demanded or prescribed... I know someone who said, "I am so bad at giving gifts to my wife that I simply asked  her to tell me what she wanted. I would then go out and carefully buy exactly what she requested"... Shame the poor thing, his life is much better he now only gets in trouble for not wrapping it properly. You see, even if we manage to find the perfect gift... there will always be the issue of the gift wrap.  Christ has given us the perfect gift in the perfect wrapping. For by  grace  you have been saved through   faith . And this is not your own doing;...

❤ It has been too long since I wrote... I am not a hundred percent sure why.... but I suspect that it is because I felt little a bit like a hypocrite. I have always been the one that said that we should be honest about our feelings and be authentic in our responses to our pain. Well... I have not been. You see, even though I had been honest in the pain I feel,  I have not been completely honest about my lack of desire to not feel the pain. There was and is a part of me that wants to remain in the pain. It makes me get up in the morning, because it reminds me to do everything possible not to feel this kind of loss again. The pain reminds me to be extra vigilant in loving my other two kids. I don't want to miss out on anything in their lives... It gives me a crutch to lean on... as if I have permission to not be my best but at the same time a motivation... an extra push to do better and live better . In trying to make sense of this for myself, I turned to "The Weep...

Here I lie again... I thought I conquered it. I did so well, or so I thought. I burried my pain and sorrow deep within... I hid it behind my busy schedule, behind my new adventure, behind my new friendships, behind my spirituality... behind... way behind everything so deep that I thought it would never surface again. I got rid of it once and for all, but it's not that easy is it? You see  as much as I can pretent or as much as I may want to avoid the pain and sorrow it is always nearby. So here is my new, new plan. No more hidding... no more pretending... here I am... Again...😟 Tonight I miss my boy... more then ever. I feel the need to cry, but my tears are all dried up. All I feel is pain... the pain is pearcing through my back, my neck, my shoulders and my feet. My heart feels empty and my arms feel weak. I dont know how to deal with all this... as much as I experience this physical pain I know that it is mere a physical manifestation of what I have been avoiding for much t...

It is 11 Months since we lost our son. He drowned in the pool at our home. We had all the illusions of safety. We kept the faith... taught the kids the joy and dangers of swimming, kept the doors to pool closed, etc. Yet in the midst of ALL the precautions Judah got out to the pool somehow... and so began the most painful chapter in our lives, yet. After Judah died I put up the pool net.... not just of the physical pool at our home, but to the pool I dare to call my life. Occasionally I would venture out to swim in the pool of my life, but today, like most days ... I find myself grasping for air. You see, I have fallen into the pool of fear ... fear not of life or even death, but the fear of loosing .  I find myself holding on to everyone and everything I hold dear. So much so that I feel like I am drowning in the fear of loss and I might be dragging everyone down with me. I fear loosing my mind... not being able to rationalize my thinking... loosing my theolog...

(This Blog is special to me because it is the first one that Des and I actually wrote together… hopefully it’s not the last one.) I started this blog with an urgent need to write but not much to say, so I googled some sites that might help me make sense of some of my thoughts.  I came across the following quote,  "Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried."  Megan Devine   ( www.refugeingrief.com ) In all fairness I am probably  read  this completely out of context. Nevertheless... I hated the feeling that this quote awakened within me, because it goes against everything that I believe in and hold dear to.  How do I carry this feeling? How do I deal with this grief that cannot be fixed....  This is hard for me especially since my faith had always kind of leaned towards the, "God can and will fix everything that is broken. It is only these days that I am beginning...

The  Easton's Bible Dictionary defines Judah  the following way: Judah   [N]   [H]   [S] Praise, the fourth son of Jacob by Leah. The name originated in Leah's words of praise to the Lord on account of his birth: "Now will I praise [Heb. odeh] Jehovah, and she called his name Yehudah"  (  Genesis 29:35  ). I remember the day we found out about Judah (that we were expecting him). It was a great surprise... But I could certainly identify with Leah.  God is worthy of praise!!!  The day we brought him home was even better. Indeed he not just brought joy into our lives, but he also seemed to draw us closer to God. His birth was our journey back... our second chance.  Today I sit here missing him like never before. I wonder whether or not I have it in me to Praise again... I read an article this morning that stated, "Grief rearranged my life. There is a lot of decisions to make now". This is exactly how I ...