At any moment now

Last night I watched as my daughter just broke-down for no apparent reason. In the middle of doing homework she suddenly realised that Judah was no longer with us... I know the whole "he is always present in our lives" thing, But he is not here for us to hold, to kiss, to just... whatever.

That's when it hit me... this is our condition now. We live between breakdowns. All that we can hope for is that the moments between now and then would extend a little longer every day.


Realising this I went on-line to search for a poster that says "breakdown in progress, approach with caution" but all I could find was, "Quiet please...Nervous breakdown in progress".

This got me thinking. NO! I do not want quiet! I need a friend... someone who doesn't expect me to breakdown any moment now. Someone that can just help me forget this pain. I do not want to deal with this. I want to forget. I want to go for a walk, play pool, do anything except live between breakdowns.  I know it's unhealthy. I know it is probably not the Christian thing to do... BUT I like to pretend everything is alright. Because when everybody else thinks you're fine, sometimes you forget for a while that you're not.

I hope I get through this quickly. I feel like such a hypocrite... Like I am letting someone down by feeling this way. O my word, it is happening again.I am in the middle of another breakdown.

I hate feeling this way!

This is me trying to be real... This is me hoping that saying these things would somehow help me get through this pain. This is me me hoping that any moment now this breakdown will pass and I'll have a few moments of living. This is me pleading with my real friends, Please do not give me my way, don't let me pretend that all is OK... because it is not.