Ramblings

I think the worst thing about grief is the unpredictability of it all.The one moment you are making progress and you can see progress... the next moment you feel like life does not make any sense at all. You never really know when and how it will hit you next.


A while back I shared with a friend and said that I think Grief is like a chronic disease. All we have to do is take our medication and we will be OK... but on a re-think I came to the conclusion that even this is not entirely true... Grief ambushes us any time it feels like. The one moment you are on top of the world the next you are down and out. The only thing chronic about grief is that it is always with you... You see grief is not depression or the feeling of pain, grief is a condition... A state of being..., I don't think that there is any healing from grief. Don't get me wrong, there is healing from the pain and despair, but once you lost a loved one there is no fixing it and we will have to learn to live with this somehow.

The thing is this ...  someone once said, "Watch out for the triggers, if you can identify what causes the change in emotion then surely you can avoid it or change it." If only it was that easy... You see,  the very thing that causes you joy can at the very next moment be the thing that causes you the deepest pain that you will ever feel. For example, I love and adore kids especially little ones... but they also remind me of Judah. At times this is great because it provides great joy, but at times it just reminds me of what I have lost. This goes for anything and everything... A song, a movie, a picture... whatever.

So how have I chosen to deal with it? Well I think I came to a simple solution... I am being (at the very least, I'll try to be) real about  whatever  comes my way. When I am sad, I am not going to hide it, I share it. The same goes for what ever emotions I might be experiencing (however fleeting and sometimes contradictory it might be). After all they are just emotions. The problem comes when life becomes more then emotions or when emotions affect who we become. Well then, I fake it until I can make it. Okay... I admit, it is probably not the best strategy but I am all out of ideas... I take life one day at a time, knowing that the good moment always out-weighs the bad ones (even if it might seem that there are more bad moments than good.)

The rest is easy, I lean upon the greatest gifts God has given me... My Family, my Church and my Calling. Without these three journeying with grief and trying to stay afloat would be futile. Desiree and the kids have been my strength and inspiration but there are so many "other family" that I just could not do without. People that became family along the way... The Church is an extension of that family but more so. My faith community consists of people from different denominations and cultures and without the Church' assistance we probably would not have the courage to seek hope even in the helplessness of death.

My Calling is what sustains me. The knowing that God has a plan and purpose for my life. I vow to (at least try to) enjoy pursuing the Plans God has for me, My family and whoever God might bring across my way.

Thank you for listening to me rambling on...

Help me find your way Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am beginning to realize that grief is much more complex than we think. On the surface we think it is just about crying for what you lost. The obvious! We lost a son, 15 months old...much too soon. But is more than that... I lost not just a son, but also all the dreams I had for him. I will never see him grow up! I will never see him go to school for the first time... hear him call my name when he bumped his toe... hold him close and tell him that it is OK, Daddy is here with you... I will never get to talk to him about what it means to be a man... I will never see him become the man that I knew I would have been proud of.... The list just goes on and on.

Everyday I live is a reminder of what I do not have with my boy... a reminder of the things and moments that I will never spent with my boy. I hate this feeling. I hate this pain... How will I ever get over this pain?

I have nothing positive to write today... I am just so overwhelmed by the pain...

Not sure what to make of this

I am trying to understand why this song is speaking to me... the Lyric, "Can circumstances possibly change who I forever am in You" stands out most for me... 

I might not completely understand the rain and the dark clouds but I choose to sing, "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty". 

"Bring The Rain" - MERCYME

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8HgAVenbUU

Stay strong!

"Stay Strong!" I heard my friend say to me... My response was, "I will try my best". 

As I sat down and I thought about this conversation. The more I thought about this the more I got convinced that it might not be entirely possible.

These two words, as well as they mean has probably been my biggest down fall over the last three months. I mean... It is really easier said then done... 

What does it mean anyway? Does it mean don't cry (at least not in-front of us)? Does it mean don't show emotions? What do people mean when they say, "Stay Strong"? I say this not in a judgemental way or unappreciative of the sentiment, but rather in trying to make sense of this "grieving thing".

I have been trying to be strong... but the more I try, the worse I feel. The more I pray for strength to carry my cross and follow Jesus, the harder it appears to be. I guess this is the law of nature or something... If a person wants muscles, then that person must gym. You don't get muscles by watching other work-out! As they say, "No Pain no Gain".

But I struggle with this... 'working - out'. How do you do this in a healthy way? I mean, even Body-builders need a break every now and then (don't they?). If not, their muscles might tear or they might collapse from exhaustion or something... isn't it? We cannot just be expected to stay strong... to keep going irrespective of the strain or pain... or should we?

On Sunday, the Preacher spoke of Moses holding up his arms in battle, so as to ensure the success of the battle. When he got tired, he had people alongside him to carry him and lift his arms high. That's when I realized that sometimes being strong means allowing others to assist you. 

Thank you friends and family for your support. Thank you for holding us up when we could not stand. Without your caring and support we could not have walked the last three mouths. We are truly grateful! 

This is the time that I have to acknowledge my most awesome wife, Desiree. In her I have found courage and strength. She has held my arms up even when she struggled to stand herself. Thank you my love for standing with me, for carrying me and being my compass back to faith, strength and sanity. Thank you for being you. You are truly more then I deserve.

So, what am I really on about? I think what I am saying is that being strong sometimes mean leaning on others, even, or rather, especially when you think you don't need to. So, I resolve to stop perpetuating a stereo typical view of strength, but to rather take each day as it come. To raise my hands up... helping others to fight the good fight and every now then lean back into (depending) on the arms of others to carry me through.

There is pain in this world! There is hardship and struggle, but we are never as alone as we think we are.

I wish I knew what to say...

I have tried to write this post for the last few days, but nothing. I do not know what to say. For the first time in my 34 years of existence. I have nothing to say!

All I have today is a feeling! A feeling of emptiness! Nothingness! A Deep sense of  "I can not do this any-more". I have no tears. I have no advise! I have nothing but my faith! Faith! A faith that I don't know how to describe any more... Faith... How much of faith I am not sure...

But somewhere deep within me I have this little speck of a thing telling me, "God knows, hang in there".

So even thou I have nothing to say, I pray that a faith smaller then a mustard seed will be enough.