1 September 2015

Very confidently I decided that I am going to be different... I am going to be the one that will somehow model to all my friends and family how "it" is done. I was going to mourn the loss of my son and somehow re-group my family and... Well I am not really sure what next, but definitely something.

I am strong enough to over-come any odds. After all, my Mom taught me that "I can do all things through Christ that gives me the strength." So… I will make it. I have to make it! At least so I thought... I unfortunately have come to the conclusion that what ever I am doing is not working. I am living but part of me died with Judah and I am trying to resurrect something that I should be burying.

Let me see if I can somehow make sense of what I just said... I believe... or rather have always believed in a Miraculous God. The attributes of God that stand out for me about God is all of the Super-Natural stuff. God makes a way where there seems to be no way because that's what God does... My God specializes in MIRACLES. God never just takes the easy path, He walks through the desert and parts the sea... God waits for Lazarus to die and then goes and resurrect him... God does the supernatural naturally.

So, naturally, I expect God to do something miraculous to get me through this. That's just how it is supposed to be,  isn't it? So I am waiting (somewhat impatiently) for God to do a miracle... But it is 122 days (6 August 2015) in and nothing. I preach faith... I teach faith... I live by faith but it appears that I am sinking deeper and deeper into the pit of depression more and more. 

Don't get me wrong... there are moments when sun appears to shine through the dark clouds, but sometimes (more frequently these days) I feel like I can only see the darkness... I can no longer pretend that the light is shinning brightly and I find it extremely difficult to hope for light. On this first day of Spring (1 September) when everyone is waiting for new life and celebrating new life, I am realizing that my efforts to "be  different... to model healing after grief" is just not working any more...

I walk home and all I see is that STUPID pool. All I can see is the BLAME in Judah's eyes in the portraits in our lounge. I try to focus on his smile but I just can’t lie to myself any more. It is just so difficult… 

I need a miracle to get through this... or do I? This morning I am reminded about just how practical God is. Even thou Jesus did many miracles, the greatest miracle was accomplished when He carried His cross to Calvary. So yes, I need a miracle and if it means having to carry this heavy cross of guilt and pain... so be it. I take comfort in the fact that when Jesus struggled to carry His cross Simon of Cyrene was there to carry. 

So dear friends, forgive me if I don't model the perfect grieving parent. I am simply trying to carry this cross... Stick close... you might never know when you will need to be Simon of Cyrene. Thank you!!!

We have been blessed enough to have a team of 'Simons' around us. Thank you family and friends for being there for us through thick and thin. We love ❤ you and appreciate you helping us to carry the load. May God bless you richly!