Today I miss you more than words can describe... I woke up last night because Diego was barking, but then could not go back to sleep. My mind immediately went to the nights that you so lovingly would place your head on my chest and start humming a song, signalling that you wanted your Dad to sing for you.You are the only one that would willingly subject yourself to Daddy's voice. You always knew just how to make me feel extra special. I wonder if you are singing in heaven. I pray that Jesus holds you close and hums Afrikaans choruses to you...
Lol... we have all been singing the "Bibo" song lately. we really miss you.
Your brother and sister... well let's just say, "You come from good stock". They are so brave. They talk about you always. The house is just not the same without you. Your physical presence amongst is terribly missed. We can not help but constantly ask ourselves, "I wonder what Judah would have done right now".
Daddy has not been swimming since you passed away... Uncle Ronny came to visit and they took us to Ushaka... It was great fun down the slides but I just can't bring myself to swimming at home... Naturally your brother and sister are not very impressed with me because the pool is not cleaned and the net remains on most of the time... Your Dad is just not as brave as he should be at this very moment. I know you would not want it to be this way but I find very hard... Thank goodness I have your Mommy. She is really awesome! She cries for you and probably will do so for a really long time, but that is just because you are such an amazing boy... Mommy is keeping me on the straight and narrow. She wont allow me to give up... I considered running way a few times but where would I run? Your smile always catches up with me.
Do you know what I miss the most? I miss having you run and jump into my arms. Every time you jumped into my arms you would make me feel like nothing and no one else matters... It is just you and me in the whole world... I miss holding you in my arms... helping you figure out how to climb in, through and over obstacles... But most of all I miss watching you just being you...
If only I watched you closer on the 6th of April.
Sorry my Boy... I failed you. I pray you know that I love you. You are safe with Jesus. The Bible teaches me that there are no tears and sorrow where you are. All I ever wanted was for you to be safe.
I can not do much for you my boy... but I promise that I will continually try to be the best Dad that I can be to your brother and sister. Knowing you, revealed a part of me that I never knew existed... a better part and I promise to share that not just with your brother and sister but with all the world. Thank you for making me better.
Hi Roger
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your blog, I cannot imagine the hurt and pain and guilt you must be going through. I know the feelings are still fresh in your mind and I would imagine that it must be a struggle to understand and comprehend the purpose of it all. It cannot make sense! I am searching within myself to try to help or say something that would ease the pain but I find myself also hurting with you.
We believe that the little guy is in the arms of the Lord and yet we are left struggling to cope. This is no consolation! We are left with difficult questions in our hearts and mind and there is just no answer. We are left questioning our obedience to God or whether we have disappointed him so much that he has allowed such as this to happen to us. It becomes difficult to face each day, face our loved ones, perhaps even love them with the same love in case we lose them. Perhaps we need to teach them not to love as deeply to try to help them cope when they lose us? These are just some of the thoughts that could enter our minds when we face issues of pain in our lives. Our faith can also easily be tested when faced with hurts such as these.
I thought I’d share with you an experience I had after my heart was in tatters some moons ago. I was asked by a family member to pray for her in her anxiety as she faced a new challenge in her life. I agreed even though it was a time I struggled to pray at the time. Finding myself alone at home I decided to light some candles and burn some incense and listen to a recording of the sounds of the ocean. I sat comfortably and tried to focus on the need of my niece but found myself, at that moment, needing to just focus on myself. I visualized myself and thanked God for my fingers and toes and the hair in my nose . I moved my body parts as I thanked God for every physical part of me. While doing this my vision of myself changed from the physical which dissipated and all that was left was a light … like a candle light just burning in the darkness. ‘Okay then … let’s see where this goes’. I started to realize the simple beauty of this light and the impact it had on the darkness. I then saw my parents enter the vision and I saw their physical disappear and replaced by a light. I could recognize each of them still and their lights were as bright and beautiful as mine – no bigger or smaller. My brothers and their families appeared and the same happened to them. My daughter who was probably about 3 – 4 years old at the time also had a light as bright, no bigger or smaller, and as beautiful as mine. Then I saw the person who had caused me the hurt and pain and their light was just like mine! I was not making sense of this but ‘HELL NO!’ What is this supposed to mean?!
It took me a few day after for the vision to make sense to me and for me to realize that this was God nudging me into the path of forgiveness. I needed to forgive others and to forgive myself and to learn that my purpose in this life was to learn who I really was. I am the light! God resides within me – God resides in all of us – even in those who cause us pain. How can we hate the God in them?
In Niele Donald-Walsch’s book, Conversations with God, he tells a story of a little soul who discovered that his purpose was to get to know who he really was. Although the book is somewhat controversial I learned much from it and especially parts of this particular story.
I digress somewhat – however brother in your story I hurt with you – I cry with you – I die with you – I survive with you – I pray for and with you – I celebrate with you. God will still reveal his purpose in all of this and I trust that you will continue to keep your heart open to his divine purpose for you. Thank you that even in your time of grief you cling to the thread of the hem of his garment. Know that it is okay to be wherever you are in your walk with him. He is holding you. You are the light.
Bless you my brother
Sean