Help me find your way Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am beginning to realize that grief is much more complex than we think. On the surface we think it is just about crying for what you lost. The obvious! We lost a son, 15 months old...much too soon. But is more than that... I lost not just a son, but also all the dreams I had for him. I will never see him grow up! I will never see him go to school for the first time... hear him call my name when he bumped his toe... hold him close and tell him that it is OK, Daddy is here with you... I will never get to talk to him about what it means to be a man... I will never see him become the man that I knew I would have been proud of.... The list just goes on and on.

Everyday I live is a reminder of what I do not have with my boy... a reminder of the things and moments that I will never spent with my boy. I hate this feeling. I hate this pain... How will I ever get over this pain?

I have nothing positive to write today... I am just so overwhelmed by the pain...

Not sure what to make of this

I am trying to understand why this song is speaking to me... the Lyric, "Can circumstances possibly change who I forever am in You" stands out most for me... 

I might not completely understand the rain and the dark clouds but I choose to sing, "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty". 

"Bring The Rain" - MERCYME

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8HgAVenbUU

Stay strong!

"Stay Strong!" I heard my friend say to me... My response was, "I will try my best". 

As I sat down and I thought about this conversation. The more I thought about this the more I got convinced that it might not be entirely possible.

These two words, as well as they mean has probably been my biggest down fall over the last three months. I mean... It is really easier said then done... 

What does it mean anyway? Does it mean don't cry (at least not in-front of us)? Does it mean don't show emotions? What do people mean when they say, "Stay Strong"? I say this not in a judgemental way or unappreciative of the sentiment, but rather in trying to make sense of this "grieving thing".

I have been trying to be strong... but the more I try, the worse I feel. The more I pray for strength to carry my cross and follow Jesus, the harder it appears to be. I guess this is the law of nature or something... If a person wants muscles, then that person must gym. You don't get muscles by watching other work-out! As they say, "No Pain no Gain".

But I struggle with this... 'working - out'. How do you do this in a healthy way? I mean, even Body-builders need a break every now and then (don't they?). If not, their muscles might tear or they might collapse from exhaustion or something... isn't it? We cannot just be expected to stay strong... to keep going irrespective of the strain or pain... or should we?

On Sunday, the Preacher spoke of Moses holding up his arms in battle, so as to ensure the success of the battle. When he got tired, he had people alongside him to carry him and lift his arms high. That's when I realized that sometimes being strong means allowing others to assist you. 

Thank you friends and family for your support. Thank you for holding us up when we could not stand. Without your caring and support we could not have walked the last three mouths. We are truly grateful! 

This is the time that I have to acknowledge my most awesome wife, Desiree. In her I have found courage and strength. She has held my arms up even when she struggled to stand herself. Thank you my love for standing with me, for carrying me and being my compass back to faith, strength and sanity. Thank you for being you. You are truly more then I deserve.

So, what am I really on about? I think what I am saying is that being strong sometimes mean leaning on others, even, or rather, especially when you think you don't need to. So, I resolve to stop perpetuating a stereo typical view of strength, but to rather take each day as it come. To raise my hands up... helping others to fight the good fight and every now then lean back into (depending) on the arms of others to carry me through.

There is pain in this world! There is hardship and struggle, but we are never as alone as we think we are.

I wish I knew what to say...

I have tried to write this post for the last few days, but nothing. I do not know what to say. For the first time in my 34 years of existence. I have nothing to say!

All I have today is a feeling! A feeling of emptiness! Nothingness! A Deep sense of  "I can not do this any-more". I have no tears. I have no advise! I have nothing but my faith! Faith! A faith that I don't know how to describe any more... Faith... How much of faith I am not sure...

But somewhere deep within me I have this little speck of a thing telling me, "God knows, hang in there".

So even thou I have nothing to say, I pray that a faith smaller then a mustard seed will be enough.

As long as Daddy is here

I am proud to be your Son

As long as Daddy is here everything will be fine…These were the words I kept on telling myself when the tragedy of Judah’s death struck us. I knew that something inside of me had changed forever even if I did not know what that meant at the time, but I knew that I was not going to be able to face this on my own… However, I manned up and did what had to be done.

That evening (when things came tumbling down) I phoned my Daddy. I will never forget what he said. He said, “My boy, I am so sorry, Daddy knows this is a tough thing to face… Daddy is here for you. We are on our way”. At that very moment I knew I would be OK. I phoned Daddy again at 03:00 in the morning when my heart felt like it had shrivelled up and died, when the pain was so overwhelming that it was all I could see and feel. Again Daddy woke up answered the phone and said, “Hello boy”. All I could do was cry. Daddy listened and then very lovingly and full of compassion responded, “the Lord is with you, He is our Strength right now. Just lean on Him, even if you do not understand everything right now, I am on my way. We will be there on Wednesday.”

That is my Dad, Joseph (Jerry) Pedro. Man of Faith! Man of Courage! Man of Strength! Man of Compassion! Always there for his children, no matter what!

I remember growing up, how Daddy would always seem to “bounce back” from every challenge he had in life. Daddy’s resilience is absolutely remarkable. When all the odds were stacked against him he would push back and overcome. The most important lessons I learned from your life, Daddy, was to own up to the decisions we make and to love unconditionally.

My prayer is that I can be at least half the man that you are. You taught me to stand my ground and reach for my goals. You showed me how to be a loving father, husband and friend.  To protect and shield the ones I love.

I honour you Daddy! You are The Best Daddy I could ever ask for! Thank you for all you mean to me. I love you lots!

Oh! The Emptiness...

For the last week I have been more aware of this deep sense of emptiness and darkness that grief has has left deep within my soul. I tried to smile... I tried blog... Tried to enjoy life focusing on the positives in my life rather then the pain... BUT nothing seems to be able to fill the emptiness that Judah's death left in my life.

I found myself thinking about Judah's birth and what I felt. I remember the abundance I felt… abundance of love, joy and peace. I could identify with the Psalmist that said, "You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

Now, I feel just the opposite. It feels as if I am being drain by the big empty hole that is inside of me. There seems to be this big empty hole that sucks the joy out of everything. Judah's life brought so much life,love and light into my life and now in his death the shadow and emptiness threatens it all.

So this is what I resolve! (Please forgive the preacher within me, but he seems to be the only one talking sense right now) So here goes… In Genesis 1:3 God said, "Let there be light and there was light" and in John 8:12 Jesus said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” I resolve to walk as close to Jesus as I can. In my pain, I reach for Jesus. In my anger, frustration, confusion, what ever I might feel. I resolve to reach out to the One that created the light. So that even in the emptiness I feel I can see that I am not really alone. 

I see the pain of others. I feel the sorrow that exists around me. So, My prayer today is that God might strengthen not just my family and I, but all of us united in the pain of loosing a loved one. May our hearts be strengthened and our paths be lit by our Saviours Grace. 

Memories… Curse or Blessing?

I had to do devotions at our weekly staff meeting and I thought I’d share about fear. Fear, just saying the word makes the hair at back of my neck stand up. There are so many fears in my life… things that has the potential to strangle and destroy me. But I must admit that my biggest fear is that I will forget Judah’s life and only remember his death.

Let me explain what I mean by this. 

I keep on having these flash-backs of the 6^th of April. The things I could have done differently or not have done that might have ensured a different outcome. I keep remembering the event... Discovering his body floating in the pool, trying to resuscitate him, the cries and sounds and smells of that specific day all plays of in my mind everyday. 

I try to remember the good days. The day he was born. The first time he said, “Dadda”. The welcoming embrace he would always give me when I came him and his smile. His beautiful smile… the smile that was ever present on his face even when he was sick or frustrated. He would always, somehow, smile.

But my fear is that the negatives and pain, the tragedy and sorrow would overcome the good memories in the battle for my heart and mind.

The preacher within me wants to give an answer to this dilemma. I feel like I should write a thesis about how to overcome this… If only I knew what to say about this. 

I might not know how to overcome this problem in my life (this idea of not knowing scares me), but this I do know, “all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” I know “we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

So I continue to trust that God knows best.