SUKKEL-VOORT - LIVING WITH GRIEF

I had an awesome weekend with family. My brother and his family came to visit us for a few days. This was especially meaningful because it was his birthday and they chose to spend it with us. We had a fantastic time of nothingness. We had no particular agenda… All we did was enjoy each others company. It was awesome! Then it dawned on me. This is all I really need... in fact this is all that  we  need. During bereavement people always try to be what they are not. They try to act in a way that they think will make us feel better. The truth is nothing will make us feel better... We lost our son... It is terribly painful and it probably will be that way for a very long time (maybe even forever).  So if you want to be helpful, share yourself with us. Be who God had gifted you to be! You are a gift to us, don't break the gift and change it into something it was not meant to be. Please let me decide if I need it or not. After all that is the nature of giving gifts: S...

Grieving sucks... Truly it does! I have heard someone say, "Life is what you make of it. If life hands you lemons, make lemonade." Well I don't know what great thing to make of my son death or of grieving. I tried making "lemonade" but, honestly, I am now full of it. I feel like just covering my head with my blanket and sleeping until things are all better... Someone please remember to wake me up when this is all over... I just want to give up!  It is tiring always trying to see the positives in life. I am exhausted! The pressure of trying to be the perfectly grieving father, husband or friend is too much. The sad thing is that I am just realizing that nobody expects me to be that, most of this pressure really comes from myself. But it is not so easy.   Life carries on... We have to remember to carry on living. I discovered over the last few months that I relied too much at times upon "Supernatural" breakthroughs. Whenever something was o...

I think the worst thing about grief is the unpredictability of it all.The one moment you are making progress and you can see progress... the next moment you feel like life does not make any sense at all. You never really know when and how it will hit you next. A while back I shared with a friend and said that I think Grief is like a chronic disease. All we have to do is take our medication and we will be OK... but on a re-think I came to the conclusion that even this is not entirely true... Grief ambushes us any time it feels like. The one moment you are on top of the world the next you are down and out. The only thing chronic about grief is that it is always with you... You see grief is not depression or the feeling of pain, grief is a condition... A state of being..., I don't think that there is any healing from grief. Don't get me wrong, there is healing from the pain and despair, but once you lost a loved one there is no fixing it and we will have to learn to live wi...

I am beginning to realize that grief is much more complex than we think. On the surface we think it is just about crying for what you lost. The obvious! We lost a son, 15 months old...much too soon. But is more than that... I lost not just a son, but also all the dreams I had for him. I will never see him grow up! I will never see him go to school for the first time... hear him call my name when he bumped his toe... hold him close and tell him that it is OK, Daddy is here with you... I will never get to talk to him about what it means to be a man... I will never see him become the man that I knew I would have been proud of.... The list just goes on and on. Everyday I live is a reminder of what I do not have with my boy... a reminder of the things and moments that I will never spent with my boy. I hate this feeling. I hate this pain... How will I ever get over this pain? I have nothing positive to write today... I am just so overwhelmed by the pain...

I am trying to understand why this song is speaking to me... the Lyric, "Can circumstances possibly change who I forever am in You" stands out most for me...  I might not completely understand the rain and the dark clouds but I choose to sing, " Holy, holy, holy i s the Lord God Almighty".  "Bring The Rain" - MERCYME I can count a million times People asking me how I Can praise You with all that I've gone through The question just amazes me Can circumstances possibly Change who I forever am in You Maybe since my life was changed Long before these rainy days It's never really ever crossed my mind To turn my back on you, oh Lord My only shelter from the storm But instead I draw closer through these times So I pray Bring me joy, bring me peace Bring the chance to be free Bring me anything that brings You glory And I know there'll be days When this life brings me pain But if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, ...

"Stay Strong!" I heard my friend say to me... My response was, "I will try my best".  As I sat down and I thought about this conversation. The more I thought about this the more I got convinced that it might not be entirely possible. These two words, as well as they mean has probably been my biggest down fall over the last three months. I mean... It is really easier said then done...  What does it mean anyway? Does it mean don't cry (at least not in-front of us)? Does it mean don't show emotions? What do people mean when they say, "Stay Strong"? I say this not in a judgemental way or unappreciative of the sentiment, but rather in trying to make sense of this "grieving thing". I have been trying to be strong... but the more I try, the worse I feel. The more I pray for strength to carry my cross and follow Jesus, the harder it appears to be. I guess this is the law of nature or something... If a person wants muscles, then t...

I have tried to write this post for the last few days, but nothing. I do not know what to say. For the first time in my 34 years of existence. I have nothing to say! All I have today is a feeling! A feeling of emptiness! Nothingness! A Deep sense of  "I can not do this any-more". I have no tears. I have no advise! I have nothing but my faith! Faith! A faith that I don't know how to describe any more... Faith... How much of faith I am not sure... But somewhere deep within me I have this little speck of a thing telling me, "God knows, hang in there". So even thou I have nothing to say, I pray that a faith smaller then a mustard seed will be enough.