SUKKEL-VOORT - LIVING WITH GRIEF

Today we laid to rest a very dear friend. He was 73 years old. He lived a long, happy and fruitful life. He left a legacy of hard work and dedication. It was an honor to have known him and to be able to stand with his family as they laid their loved one to rest...  Being there was hard because just 7 months ago we were in the exact same church and at the exact same cemetery to say farewell to our little Judah. Memories of that day came flooding in... the emotions were as fresh today as they were then, but somehow today I was reminded of God's faithfulness... WOW! Saying that surprised me. I thought that I was going to write about the doom and gloom of the last 7 months but rather I want to say "THANK YOU LORD FOR YOUR FAITHFULNESS" . There were times when I doubted... times that I just wanted to hide my head and never face the world, but somehow, and I am really not sure how, but God pulled me through. We are still very much in pursuit of healing... or something that...

  For the last few weeks I have been feeling very cranky. The slightest little thing drives me into a rage... the positive side is that have been able to control my anger and have not exploded on anyone, yet... You see they (the clever people) tell me that this is a stage or a phase that is normal during grieving. That somehow this "abnormal" is normal ... I hate it!  Death has taken so much from me... now it's imposing feelings upon me that I do not want in my life. In fact, feelings that I do not need in my life. What use could I possible have for anger in my life right now? It feels like such a useless emotion... The worse is that I do not even know what exactly I am angry at. It just feels like I am angry at life ... Angry at the decisions I made in life... the decisions I did not make... people... situations... aaagh! Everything annoys me! What's the use? I really hate this feeling! Yes... I did say hate... it is how I feel... and now I am angry that I...

It was a great weekend, but it was also a tough weekend. You see, there are some important people, events and or things that remain with us forever...  This weekend (31 October) was Purley and Mikey's wedding celebrations. This was a very special... Both Mikey and Purley are very special to us and they both shared a very special bond with Judah.  They looked especially gorgeous and the wedding was special.  It was a beautiful day and the ceremony and festivities went down incredibly well and we pray that the Lord will continue to Bless them and increase His favour upon their lives... They certainly deserve it. For a moment, I think, I was able to convince my heart that it was okay to be happy...  However, in the midst of the perfection of the day... the happiness felt somewhat empty without my little Judah.  I wonder if it will always be this way. Will everything in life always contain the very present absence of Judah?  Will ...

One of the things that is hardest to deal with is when people (those who do not know me) ask me about my family. The question, "so how many kids do you have?" hurts. My answer is always, "I have three kids, one daughter and two sons"... and then I change the topic. Am I a coward for not wanting to share the fact that my little Judah lives on in heaven? Will I ever have the courage to talk about Judah freely to anyone willing to listen? I watched an interaction between a father and son at a funeral a few years back and for some reason I keep remembering the father telling his son, "you had a great grandfather" as if suddenly the relationship between Grandfather and Grandson comes to an end simply because the grandfather is not physically present. So, I am still a father of three... it is difficult to explain the relationship I have with my youngest son, but he lives on... not just in our hearts and memories but also in the presence of the Almig...

I am sitting at the hospital were Judah was born. My heart ♥ remembers this place very fondly. This is, for me, a place of hope... Or at least it use to be. Now, however, it simply reminds me of what I have lost... For the last week or two I have been struggling with going home... Because that is where we lost Judah. I am constantly reminded of what I no longer have in my life. As I write this, my mind and my heart disagrees with each other... and I am not really sure which is which but,  the one that knows better is saying, "This is not right... We cannot afford to lose happy moments from our lives. Places of hope and joy must become more, not less... Redeem! Redeem these moments! Redemption is necessary." I like this thought and I want nothing more, but how realistic is this idea? The question is, "How do we redeem these moments... How do we keep the positive places happy? How can we ever expect to live in the midst of death? This for me becomes the key... Discov...

Grieving has been and it continues to be hard, especially because we are a family that is in ministry. It is during times such as these that people look to see how we deal with things... "When the shoe is on the other foot". This is something , I guess, that comes with the territory. For that reason I have chosen not to hide my true feelings. To share my journey with grief as openly and honestly as possible... It's been hard, but the people God surrounded us with, during this time, have been phenomenal. So though it has been difficult I managed somehow thus far to keep my head up high and to push forward. But I must admit, the toughest... the worst of all is seeing the effect grief has on my family. Watching our daughter battle with her emotions and the responsibility of being the eldest sibling. Seeing our son as he struggles to verbalize and  make sense of this all. Watching my wife, my awesome... incredible wife face this (new, yet somewhat familiar) enemy calle...

We tell our kids fairy tales, all the time, and these fairy tales always end with the words or idea, "and they all lived happily ever after". Though we know the difference between real life and fairy tales, we all still wish and pray that life will be a "happily ever after".  Well, what happens when the story, my story, doesn't quite measure up? I sat and watch the inter-action between my wife and our second born son. He was  complaining,  no, he was stating the obvious, telling his Mommy how much he misses his brother. Saying that he miss playing with him and how he wishes that he could talk to his brother... A part in me immediately got pulled up... when my wife responded by saying, "come sit with me and we will talk to him together.Let's tell him how much we miss him" I wanted to say... "NO! we do not have conversations with the dead. If you miss Judah, then pray to God. Jesus will take the pain away." Then I wanted to ...