Oh! The Emptiness...

For the last week I have been more aware of this deep sense of emptiness and darkness that grief has has left deep within my soul. I tried to smile... I tried blog... Tried to enjoy life focusing on the positives in my life rather then the pain... BUT nothing seems to be able to fill the emptiness that Judah's death left in my life.

I found myself thinking about Judah's birth and what I felt. I remember the abundance I felt… abundance of love, joy and peace. I could identify with the Psalmist that said, "You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

Now, I feel just the opposite. It feels as if I am being drain by the big empty hole that is inside of me. There seems to be this big empty hole that sucks the joy out of everything. Judah's life brought so much life,love and light into my life and now in his death the shadow and emptiness threatens it all.

So this is what I resolve! (Please forgive the preacher within me, but he seems to be the only one talking sense right now) So here goes… In Genesis 1:3 God said, "Let there be light and there was light" and in John 8:12 Jesus said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” I resolve to walk as close to Jesus as I can. In my pain, I reach for Jesus. In my anger, frustration, confusion, what ever I might feel. I resolve to reach out to the One that created the light. So that even in the emptiness I feel I can see that I am not really alone. 

I see the pain of others. I feel the sorrow that exists around me. So, My prayer today is that God might strengthen not just my family and I, but all of us united in the pain of loosing a loved one. May our hearts be strengthened and our paths be lit by our Saviours Grace. 

Memories… Curse or Blessing?

I had to do devotions at our weekly staff meeting and I thought I’d share about fear. Fear, just saying the word makes the hair at back of my neck stand up. There are so many fears in my life… things that has the potential to strangle and destroy me. But I must admit that my biggest fear is that I will forget Judah’s life and only remember his death.

Let me explain what I mean by this. 

I keep on having these flash-backs of the 6^th of April. The things I could have done differently or not have done that might have ensured a different outcome. I keep remembering the event... Discovering his body floating in the pool, trying to resuscitate him, the cries and sounds and smells of that specific day all plays of in my mind everyday. 

I try to remember the good days. The day he was born. The first time he said, “Dadda”. The welcoming embrace he would always give me when I came him and his smile. His beautiful smile… the smile that was ever present on his face even when he was sick or frustrated. He would always, somehow, smile.

But my fear is that the negatives and pain, the tragedy and sorrow would overcome the good memories in the battle for my heart and mind.

The preacher within me wants to give an answer to this dilemma. I feel like I should write a thesis about how to overcome this… If only I knew what to say about this. 

I might not know how to overcome this problem in my life (this idea of not knowing scares me), but this I do know, “all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” I know “we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

So I continue to trust that God knows best.

I just might make it… if You sing through me

Sunday evening and Monday morning was terrible. I struggled to make sense of life. I thought to myself “this is just too hard, you will never make it” I wished that I could cover my head with the blankets, sleep and never wake up. Judah was everywhere. I just could not get a  handle on my emotions. I could identify with a bereaved friend who would ,at times, speak to her deceased child and say, “please give Mommy a break today”. I felt like I just needed a break from the pain…  

But then I asked for help. I asked my friends to pray for me… and they did. How awesome is that? Thank you everybody, I am doing much better. I am finally thinking that I might just make it. I think I am finally finding some kind of rhythm again. I must admit I am not quite sure what song is playing but there seems to be a rhythm emerging.

So here is my thinking about the next few days. I am going to let life give me the rhythm (simply because I have realized that I can’t always control what happens in life) and I am going to let (beg and plead, if I have to) God sing the song of my life. I tried singing it but I always go off-tune and my lyrics don't always make sense.

So here is my prayer, “Almighty God, here’s my life. I can’t control the beat all that much but I can surrender all of my life to you. Won’t you please write a song to this beat and sing through me? Sing me to the nations… Sing me to the world… Sing your song… Sing your hope… I am but a vessel for you to sing through”.

Help me get over myself

I was reading Exodus 33... Thinking, Yoh! this Moses has got courage. I wish I had this amount of courage. Courage to demand a face-to-face with the Lord. Then I realized its not that I don't want a meeting with the Lord, it is really that I am afraid of what it might reveal about myself.

It's not that I am afraid that God might find something the matter in my life, but rather that God might say, "its OK my son, I blame you not". Somehow I feel like I need to blamed, punished even!!! That me feeling guilt or pain somehow makes it OK for Judah not to be here with us. I know its silly... nothing will ever be able to justify the LOSS that we have experienced as a family 

Help me Lord That I might get over myself and find you! Wont You do as you did with Moses and cover me with your hand so that I might see Your Glory and not just my own ego or need to be in control.

I can't sleep

I have always prayed this prayed, but never really meant it as much as I do right now. You see... I have been lying here for the last hour trying to fall off to sleep. Before this I watched tv... Tried to read my Bible (I must admit I struggle with that at the moment - maybe I shouldn't have said that, but I am trying to be real) and took a rescue tablet, but nothing. I am still lying here trying to explain to myself that... It will be OK. Eventually I will learn to live life again.

There was a moment tonight when life made sense. A fleeting moment. It was when I led the worship service at Church. In that moment I felt like I had the courage to face the pain and experience some joy.

But now I lay here wondering what happened to the strength? Where did the courage disappear to? Will I ever get through this?

Whoever you are reading this blabber of grief, please say a prayer for me... Thank you for sharing in my pain.

Sidewalk Prophets- Help Me Find It (Official Lyric Video)

Nothing left to sow

I have always been a firm believer in. "What you sow, you will reap", and so I have always given my best to all circumstances even if my best wasn't so great. I always believed that the harvest will be better than the seed and that the harvest will sustain the seed. In other words, “if I continue to do my best, things will get better”.

Today I feel exhausted... like I have nothing left to give. It feels like someone or something came in when I wasn't paying attention and burned down the entire crop.

How will I survive this? This is the worst feeling ever... 

There I go again… Feeling sorry for myself… I hate it when I do this... I guess the questions remain.What am I going to do about this? What can I do about this?

I guess the same thing I have been telling others to do in similar circumstances... Trust the Lord! The Psalmist says in Psalm 27:13, "In this I have confidence, that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" or something like that. So even when I have nothing left to sow I will trust the Lord to provide the rain that will revitalize my soul. 

I HOPE I GET THIS RIGHT!