I just might make it… if You sing through me

Sunday evening and Monday morning was terrible. I struggled to make sense of life. I thought to myself “this is just too hard, you will never make it” I wished that I could cover my head with the blankets, sleep and never wake up. Judah was everywhere. I just could not get a  handle on my emotions. I could identify with a bereaved friend who would ,at times, speak to her deceased child and say, “please give Mommy a break today”. I felt like I just needed a break from the pain…  

But then I asked for help. I asked my friends to pray for me… and they did. How awesome is that? Thank you everybody, I am doing much better. I am finally thinking that I might just make it. I think I am finally finding some kind of rhythm again. I must admit I am not quite sure what song is playing but there seems to be a rhythm emerging.

So here is my thinking about the next few days. I am going to let life give me the rhythm (simply because I have realized that I can’t always control what happens in life) and I am going to let (beg and plead, if I have to) God sing the song of my life. I tried singing it but I always go off-tune and my lyrics don't always make sense.

So here is my prayer, “Almighty God, here’s my life. I can’t control the beat all that much but I can surrender all of my life to you. Won’t you please write a song to this beat and sing through me? Sing me to the nations… Sing me to the world… Sing your song… Sing your hope… I am but a vessel for you to sing through”.

Help me get over myself

I was reading Exodus 33... Thinking, Yoh! this Moses has got courage. I wish I had this amount of courage. Courage to demand a face-to-face with the Lord. Then I realized its not that I don't want a meeting with the Lord, it is really that I am afraid of what it might reveal about myself.

It's not that I am afraid that God might find something the matter in my life, but rather that God might say, "its OK my son, I blame you not". Somehow I feel like I need to blamed, punished even!!! That me feeling guilt or pain somehow makes it OK for Judah not to be here with us. I know its silly... nothing will ever be able to justify the LOSS that we have experienced as a family 

Help me Lord That I might get over myself and find you! Wont You do as you did with Moses and cover me with your hand so that I might see Your Glory and not just my own ego or need to be in control.

I can't sleep

I have always prayed this prayed, but never really meant it as much as I do right now. You see... I have been lying here for the last hour trying to fall off to sleep. Before this I watched tv... Tried to read my Bible (I must admit I struggle with that at the moment - maybe I shouldn't have said that, but I am trying to be real) and took a rescue tablet, but nothing. I am still lying here trying to explain to myself that... It will be OK. Eventually I will learn to live life again.

There was a moment tonight when life made sense. A fleeting moment. It was when I led the worship service at Church. In that moment I felt like I had the courage to face the pain and experience some joy.

But now I lay here wondering what happened to the strength? Where did the courage disappear to? Will I ever get through this?

Whoever you are reading this blabber of grief, please say a prayer for me... Thank you for sharing in my pain.

Sidewalk Prophets- Help Me Find It (Official Lyric Video)

Nothing left to sow

I have always been a firm believer in. "What you sow, you will reap", and so I have always given my best to all circumstances even if my best wasn't so great. I always believed that the harvest will be better than the seed and that the harvest will sustain the seed. In other words, “if I continue to do my best, things will get better”.

Today I feel exhausted... like I have nothing left to give. It feels like someone or something came in when I wasn't paying attention and burned down the entire crop.

How will I survive this? This is the worst feeling ever... 

There I go again… Feeling sorry for myself… I hate it when I do this... I guess the questions remain.What am I going to do about this? What can I do about this?

I guess the same thing I have been telling others to do in similar circumstances... Trust the Lord! The Psalmist says in Psalm 27:13, "In this I have confidence, that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" or something like that. So even when I have nothing left to sow I will trust the Lord to provide the rain that will revitalize my soul. 

I HOPE I GET THIS RIGHT!

Daddy, You didn't eat yesterday

This morning my son, Jeriah, forced me to sit with him at the breakfast table. He said, "Daddy, you didn't eat yesterday, that's why you were sad." These words pierced my soul. I thought I was doing a good job fooling him that I am OK.

It was really tough yesterday... for no apparent reason my heart was just very down. The only way I can explain it is by saying that I felt like 'Judah's holiday' is just too long now. Somehow, I guess I convinced my heart that Judah just went to visit a friend and he'll be home any moment, but yesterday out of the blue I realized... He is not coming back. This truth is hard for me to accept. This is a truth that I can not accept...

I keep re-living the 6 April over and over in my mind. I feel like I am stuck and I do not have the willingness to get myself unstuck. Why can't I just let go? Should I let go? What must I do? I just don't know...

So in all my confusion and pain, today, I chose to have breakfast with my kids. Not sure what the next step is suppose to be...

At any moment now

Last night I watched as my daughter just broke-down for no apparent reason. In the middle of doing homework she suddenly realised that Judah was no longer with us... I know the whole "he is always present in our lives" thing, But he is not here for us to hold, to kiss, to just... whatever.

That's when it hit me... this is our condition now. We live between breakdowns. All that we can hope for is that the moments between now and then would extend a little longer every day.


Realising this I went on-line to search for a poster that says "breakdown in progress, approach with caution" but all I could find was, "Quiet please...Nervous breakdown in progress".

This got me thinking. NO! I do not want quiet! I need a friend... someone who doesn't expect me to breakdown any moment now. Someone that can just help me forget this pain. I do not want to deal with this. I want to forget. I want to go for a walk, play pool, do anything except live between breakdowns.  I know it's unhealthy. I know it is probably not the Christian thing to do... BUT I like to pretend everything is alright. Because when everybody else thinks you're fine, sometimes you forget for a while that you're not.

I hope I get through this quickly. I feel like such a hypocrite... Like I am letting someone down by feeling this way. O my word, it is happening again.I am in the middle of another breakdown.

I hate feeling this way!

This is me trying to be real... This is me hoping that saying these things would somehow help me get through this pain. This is me me hoping that any moment now this breakdown will pass and I'll have a few moments of living. This is me pleading with my real friends, Please do not give me my way, don't let me pretend that all is OK... because it is not.