1 September 2015

Very confidently I decided that I am going to be different... I am going to be the one that will somehow model to all my friends and family how "it" is done. I was going to mourn the loss of my son and somehow re-group my family and... Well I am not really sure what next, but definitely something.

I am strong enough to over-come any odds. After all, my Mom taught me that "I can do all things through Christ that gives me the strength." So… I will make it. I have to make it! At least so I thought... I unfortunately have come to the conclusion that what ever I am doing is not working. I am living but part of me died with Judah and I am trying to resurrect something that I should be burying.

Let me see if I can somehow make sense of what I just said... I believe... or rather have always believed in a Miraculous God. The attributes of God that stand out for me about God is all of the Super-Natural stuff. God makes a way where there seems to be no way because that's what God does... My God specializes in MIRACLES. God never just takes the easy path, He walks through the desert and parts the sea... God waits for Lazarus to die and then goes and resurrect him... God does the supernatural naturally.

So, naturally, I expect God to do something miraculous to get me through this. That's just how it is supposed to be,  isn't it? So I am waiting (somewhat impatiently) for God to do a miracle... But it is 122 days (6 August 2015) in and nothing. I preach faith... I teach faith... I live by faith but it appears that I am sinking deeper and deeper into the pit of depression more and more. 

Don't get me wrong... there are moments when sun appears to shine through the dark clouds, but sometimes (more frequently these days) I feel like I can only see the darkness... I can no longer pretend that the light is shinning brightly and I find it extremely difficult to hope for light. On this first day of Spring (1 September) when everyone is waiting for new life and celebrating new life, I am realizing that my efforts to "be  different... to model healing after grief" is just not working any more...

I walk home and all I see is that STUPID pool. All I can see is the BLAME in Judah's eyes in the portraits in our lounge. I try to focus on his smile but I just can’t lie to myself any more. It is just so difficult… 

I need a miracle to get through this... or do I? This morning I am reminded about just how practical God is. Even thou Jesus did many miracles, the greatest miracle was accomplished when He carried His cross to Calvary. So yes, I need a miracle and if it means having to carry this heavy cross of guilt and pain... so be it. I take comfort in the fact that when Jesus struggled to carry His cross Simon of Cyrene was there to carry. 

So dear friends, forgive me if I don't model the perfect grieving parent. I am simply trying to carry this cross... Stick close... you might never know when you will need to be Simon of Cyrene. Thank you!!!

We have been blessed enough to have a team of 'Simons' around us. Thank you family and friends for being there for us through thick and thin. We love ❤ you and appreciate you helping us to carry the load. May God bless you richly!

The best gift ever

I had an awesome weekend with family. My brother and his family came to visit us for a few days. This was especially meaningful because it was his birthday and they chose to spend it with us. We had a fantastic time of nothingness. We had no particular agenda… All we did was enjoy each others company. It was awesome!

Then it dawned on me. This is all I really need... in fact this is all that we need. During bereavement people always try to be what they are not. They try to act in a way that they think will make us feel better. The truth is nothing will make us feel better... We lost our son... It is terribly painful and it probably will be that way for a very long time (maybe even forever). 

So if you want to be helpful, share yourself with us. Be who God had gifted you to be! You are a gift to us, don't break the gift and change it into something it was not meant to be. Please let me decide if I need it or not. After all that is the nature of giving gifts: Someone gives a gift and the other person decides whether to keep it of throw it out. 

By far the most meaningful contribution or engagement we have had during this difficult time has been the genuineness of family and friends. I am reminded that when Peter and John met with brokenness at the Temple Gate they simply offered what they had, and what they had, brought healing to brokenness.

Acts 3

6 Then Peter said, “Silver and gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk.” 7 And he took him by the right hand and lifted him up, and immediately his feet and ankle bones received strength."

So here is the challenge… Try and be truly you today. The world is full of brokenness and that brokenness needs authentic people being the gifts that God made us to be…

13 August 2015

Grieving sucks... Truly it does! I have heard someone say, "Life is what you make of it. If life hands you lemons, make lemonade." Well I don't know what great thing to make of my son death or of grieving. I tried making "lemonade" but, honestly, I am now full of it.

I feel like just covering my head with my blanket and sleeping until things are all better... Someone please remember to wake me up when this is all over... I just want to give up! 

It is tiring always trying to see the positives in life. I am exhausted! The pressure of trying to be the perfectly grieving father, husband or friend is too much. The sad thing is that I am just realizing that nobody expects me to be that, most of this pressure really comes from myself.

But it is not so easy. Life carries on... We have to remember to carry on living. I discovered over the last few months that I relied too much at times upon "Supernatural" breakthroughs. Whenever something was out of place or broken in my life, I would simply sit back and let God do God's thing. After all God is Almighty! But I needed to remember that God very often used the ordinary and sometimes less then ordinary individuals to accomplish the extra-ordinary.  I have learned that God is often times very practical... 

Let me try and explain what I mean...

I am learning that God shows up in the in the every day things and expects me to live life with Him in the everyday things. Don't get me wrong... I am not suggesting at all that we should not expect miracles from God, but I am saying that sometimes the greatest miracle is not the resurrection of the dead but the finding of life after death. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wonder why God didn't just resurrect my boy, like he did with others in past... and I will probably never get to a satisfactory answer ever... (And for now I am okay with that).

However, I am finally beginning to see that there could be a life worth living after this great loss. I don't know exactly what and how, but I know that God wakes me up every morning for a reason... The last few months (maybe even longer) all I did, was to wake up and pray for a miracle. Hoping that something overwhelming and great will happen and God will surprise me with something greater and more spectacular.

Today I realise that this is the SuperNatural... I am living the miracle... taking a breath, taking a step forward everyday and living life is the miracle. 

Thank you God, for the miracle of courage, courage to get out of bed today, even when we can't imagine why. Thank you for the miracle of family and friends that stood by me and still walks with me. Thank you for the miracle of life that can continue even when I have given up on it.

Ramblings

I think the worst thing about grief is the unpredictability of it all.The one moment you are making progress and you can see progress... the next moment you feel like life does not make any sense at all. You never really know when and how it will hit you next.


A while back I shared with a friend and said that I think Grief is like a chronic disease. All we have to do is take our medication and we will be OK... but on a re-think I came to the conclusion that even this is not entirely true... Grief ambushes us any time it feels like. The one moment you are on top of the world the next you are down and out. The only thing chronic about grief is that it is always with you... You see grief is not depression or the feeling of pain, grief is a condition... A state of being..., I don't think that there is any healing from grief. Don't get me wrong, there is healing from the pain and despair, but once you lost a loved one there is no fixing it and we will have to learn to live with this somehow.

The thing is this ...  someone once said, "Watch out for the triggers, if you can identify what causes the change in emotion then surely you can avoid it or change it." If only it was that easy... You see,  the very thing that causes you joy can at the very next moment be the thing that causes you the deepest pain that you will ever feel. For example, I love and adore kids especially little ones... but they also remind me of Judah. At times this is great because it provides great joy, but at times it just reminds me of what I have lost. This goes for anything and everything... A song, a movie, a picture... whatever.

So how have I chosen to deal with it? Well I think I came to a simple solution... I am being (at the very least, I'll try to be) real about  whatever  comes my way. When I am sad, I am not going to hide it, I share it. The same goes for what ever emotions I might be experiencing (however fleeting and sometimes contradictory it might be). After all they are just emotions. The problem comes when life becomes more then emotions or when emotions affect who we become. Well then, I fake it until I can make it. Okay... I admit, it is probably not the best strategy but I am all out of ideas... I take life one day at a time, knowing that the good moment always out-weighs the bad ones (even if it might seem that there are more bad moments than good.)

The rest is easy, I lean upon the greatest gifts God has given me... My Family, my Church and my Calling. Without these three journeying with grief and trying to stay afloat would be futile. Desiree and the kids have been my strength and inspiration but there are so many "other family" that I just could not do without. People that became family along the way... The Church is an extension of that family but more so. My faith community consists of people from different denominations and cultures and without the Church' assistance we probably would not have the courage to seek hope even in the helplessness of death.

My Calling is what sustains me. The knowing that God has a plan and purpose for my life. I vow to (at least try to) enjoy pursuing the Plans God has for me, My family and whoever God might bring across my way.

Thank you for listening to me rambling on...

Help me find your way Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am beginning to realize that grief is much more complex than we think. On the surface we think it is just about crying for what you lost. The obvious! We lost a son, 15 months old...much too soon. But is more than that... I lost not just a son, but also all the dreams I had for him. I will never see him grow up! I will never see him go to school for the first time... hear him call my name when he bumped his toe... hold him close and tell him that it is OK, Daddy is here with you... I will never get to talk to him about what it means to be a man... I will never see him become the man that I knew I would have been proud of.... The list just goes on and on.

Everyday I live is a reminder of what I do not have with my boy... a reminder of the things and moments that I will never spent with my boy. I hate this feeling. I hate this pain... How will I ever get over this pain?

I have nothing positive to write today... I am just so overwhelmed by the pain...

Not sure what to make of this

I am trying to understand why this song is speaking to me... the Lyric, "Can circumstances possibly change who I forever am in You" stands out most for me... 

I might not completely understand the rain and the dark clouds but I choose to sing, "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty". 

"Bring The Rain" - MERCYME

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8HgAVenbUU

Stay strong!

"Stay Strong!" I heard my friend say to me... My response was, "I will try my best". 

As I sat down and I thought about this conversation. The more I thought about this the more I got convinced that it might not be entirely possible.

These two words, as well as they mean has probably been my biggest down fall over the last three months. I mean... It is really easier said then done... 

What does it mean anyway? Does it mean don't cry (at least not in-front of us)? Does it mean don't show emotions? What do people mean when they say, "Stay Strong"? I say this not in a judgemental way or unappreciative of the sentiment, but rather in trying to make sense of this "grieving thing".

I have been trying to be strong... but the more I try, the worse I feel. The more I pray for strength to carry my cross and follow Jesus, the harder it appears to be. I guess this is the law of nature or something... If a person wants muscles, then that person must gym. You don't get muscles by watching other work-out! As they say, "No Pain no Gain".

But I struggle with this... 'working - out'. How do you do this in a healthy way? I mean, even Body-builders need a break every now and then (don't they?). If not, their muscles might tear or they might collapse from exhaustion or something... isn't it? We cannot just be expected to stay strong... to keep going irrespective of the strain or pain... or should we?

On Sunday, the Preacher spoke of Moses holding up his arms in battle, so as to ensure the success of the battle. When he got tired, he had people alongside him to carry him and lift his arms high. That's when I realized that sometimes being strong means allowing others to assist you. 

Thank you friends and family for your support. Thank you for holding us up when we could not stand. Without your caring and support we could not have walked the last three mouths. We are truly grateful! 

This is the time that I have to acknowledge my most awesome wife, Desiree. In her I have found courage and strength. She has held my arms up even when she struggled to stand herself. Thank you my love for standing with me, for carrying me and being my compass back to faith, strength and sanity. Thank you for being you. You are truly more then I deserve.

So, what am I really on about? I think what I am saying is that being strong sometimes mean leaning on others, even, or rather, especially when you think you don't need to. So, I resolve to stop perpetuating a stereo typical view of strength, but to rather take each day as it come. To raise my hands up... helping others to fight the good fight and every now then lean back into (depending) on the arms of others to carry me through.

There is pain in this world! There is hardship and struggle, but we are never as alone as we think we are.