Missing you

"With Hope"

This is not at all
How we thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We has so many dreams
But now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you

And we can cry with hope
We can say good-bye with hope
'Cause we know our good-bye is not the end
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father smile and say 'well done.'
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now your home
And now your free

[Chorus]

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true

[Chorus]

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

- Steven Curtis Chapman

My Darling Judah

My Darling Boy,


Today I miss you more than words can describe... I woke up last night because Diego was barking, but then could not go back to sleep. My mind immediately went to the nights that you so lovingly would place your head on my chest and start humming a song, signalling that you wanted your Dad to sing for you.

You are the only one that would willingly subject yourself to Daddy's voice. You always knew just how to make me feel extra special. I wonder if you are singing in heaven. I pray that Jesus holds you close and hums Afrikaans choruses to you... 

Lol... we have all been singing the "Bibo" song lately. we really miss you.

Your brother and sister... well let's just say, "You come from good stock". They are so brave. They talk about you always. The house is just not the same without you. Your physical presence amongst is terribly missed. We can not help but constantly ask ourselves, "I wonder what Judah would have done right now".

Daddy has not been swimming since you passed away... Uncle Ronny came to visit and they took us to Ushaka... It was great fun down the slides but I just can't bring myself to swimming at home... Naturally your brother and sister are not very impressed with me because the pool is not cleaned and the net remains on most of the time... Your Dad is just not as brave as he should be at this very moment. I know you would not want it to be this way but I find very hard... 

Thank goodness I have your Mommy. She is really awesome! She  cries for you and probably will do so for a really long time, but that is just because you are such an amazing boy... Mommy is keeping me on the straight and narrow. She wont allow me to give up... I considered running way a few times but where would I run? Your smile always catches up with me.

Do you know what I miss the most? I miss having you run and jump into my arms. Every time you jumped into my arms you would make me feel like nothing and no one else matters... It is just you and me in the whole world... I miss holding you in my arms... helping you figure out how to climb in, through and over obstacles... But most of all I miss watching you just being you... 

If only I watched you closer on the 6th of April. 

Sorry my Boy... I failed you. I pray you know that I love you. You are safe with Jesus. The Bible teaches me that there are no tears and sorrow where you are. All I ever wanted was for you to be safe.

I can not do much for you my boy... but I promise that I will continually try to be the best Dad that I can be to your brother and sister. Knowing you, revealed a part of me that I never knew existed... a better part and I promise to share that not just with your brother and sister but with all the world. Thank you for making me better.

1 September 2015

Very confidently I decided that I am going to be different... I am going to be the one that will somehow model to all my friends and family how "it" is done. I was going to mourn the loss of my son and somehow re-group my family and... Well I am not really sure what next, but definitely something.

I am strong enough to over-come any odds. After all, my Mom taught me that "I can do all things through Christ that gives me the strength." So… I will make it. I have to make it! At least so I thought... I unfortunately have come to the conclusion that what ever I am doing is not working. I am living but part of me died with Judah and I am trying to resurrect something that I should be burying.

Let me see if I can somehow make sense of what I just said... I believe... or rather have always believed in a Miraculous God. The attributes of God that stand out for me about God is all of the Super-Natural stuff. God makes a way where there seems to be no way because that's what God does... My God specializes in MIRACLES. God never just takes the easy path, He walks through the desert and parts the sea... God waits for Lazarus to die and then goes and resurrect him... God does the supernatural naturally.

So, naturally, I expect God to do something miraculous to get me through this. That's just how it is supposed to be,  isn't it? So I am waiting (somewhat impatiently) for God to do a miracle... But it is 122 days (6 August 2015) in and nothing. I preach faith... I teach faith... I live by faith but it appears that I am sinking deeper and deeper into the pit of depression more and more. 

Don't get me wrong... there are moments when sun appears to shine through the dark clouds, but sometimes (more frequently these days) I feel like I can only see the darkness... I can no longer pretend that the light is shinning brightly and I find it extremely difficult to hope for light. On this first day of Spring (1 September) when everyone is waiting for new life and celebrating new life, I am realizing that my efforts to "be  different... to model healing after grief" is just not working any more...

I walk home and all I see is that STUPID pool. All I can see is the BLAME in Judah's eyes in the portraits in our lounge. I try to focus on his smile but I just can’t lie to myself any more. It is just so difficult… 

I need a miracle to get through this... or do I? This morning I am reminded about just how practical God is. Even thou Jesus did many miracles, the greatest miracle was accomplished when He carried His cross to Calvary. So yes, I need a miracle and if it means having to carry this heavy cross of guilt and pain... so be it. I take comfort in the fact that when Jesus struggled to carry His cross Simon of Cyrene was there to carry. 

So dear friends, forgive me if I don't model the perfect grieving parent. I am simply trying to carry this cross... Stick close... you might never know when you will need to be Simon of Cyrene. Thank you!!!

We have been blessed enough to have a team of 'Simons' around us. Thank you family and friends for being there for us through thick and thin. We love ❤ you and appreciate you helping us to carry the load. May God bless you richly!

The best gift ever

I had an awesome weekend with family. My brother and his family came to visit us for a few days. This was especially meaningful because it was his birthday and they chose to spend it with us. We had a fantastic time of nothingness. We had no particular agenda… All we did was enjoy each others company. It was awesome!

Then it dawned on me. This is all I really need... in fact this is all that we need. During bereavement people always try to be what they are not. They try to act in a way that they think will make us feel better. The truth is nothing will make us feel better... We lost our son... It is terribly painful and it probably will be that way for a very long time (maybe even forever). 

So if you want to be helpful, share yourself with us. Be who God had gifted you to be! You are a gift to us, don't break the gift and change it into something it was not meant to be. Please let me decide if I need it or not. After all that is the nature of giving gifts: Someone gives a gift and the other person decides whether to keep it of throw it out. 

By far the most meaningful contribution or engagement we have had during this difficult time has been the genuineness of family and friends. I am reminded that when Peter and John met with brokenness at the Temple Gate they simply offered what they had, and what they had, brought healing to brokenness.

Acts 3

6 Then Peter said, “Silver and gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk.” 7 And he took him by the right hand and lifted him up, and immediately his feet and ankle bones received strength."

So here is the challenge… Try and be truly you today. The world is full of brokenness and that brokenness needs authentic people being the gifts that God made us to be…

13 August 2015

Grieving sucks... Truly it does! I have heard someone say, "Life is what you make of it. If life hands you lemons, make lemonade." Well I don't know what great thing to make of my son death or of grieving. I tried making "lemonade" but, honestly, I am now full of it.

I feel like just covering my head with my blanket and sleeping until things are all better... Someone please remember to wake me up when this is all over... I just want to give up! 

It is tiring always trying to see the positives in life. I am exhausted! The pressure of trying to be the perfectly grieving father, husband or friend is too much. The sad thing is that I am just realizing that nobody expects me to be that, most of this pressure really comes from myself.

But it is not so easy. Life carries on... We have to remember to carry on living. I discovered over the last few months that I relied too much at times upon "Supernatural" breakthroughs. Whenever something was out of place or broken in my life, I would simply sit back and let God do God's thing. After all God is Almighty! But I needed to remember that God very often used the ordinary and sometimes less then ordinary individuals to accomplish the extra-ordinary.  I have learned that God is often times very practical... 

Let me try and explain what I mean...

I am learning that God shows up in the in the every day things and expects me to live life with Him in the everyday things. Don't get me wrong... I am not suggesting at all that we should not expect miracles from God, but I am saying that sometimes the greatest miracle is not the resurrection of the dead but the finding of life after death. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wonder why God didn't just resurrect my boy, like he did with others in past... and I will probably never get to a satisfactory answer ever... (And for now I am okay with that).

However, I am finally beginning to see that there could be a life worth living after this great loss. I don't know exactly what and how, but I know that God wakes me up every morning for a reason... The last few months (maybe even longer) all I did, was to wake up and pray for a miracle. Hoping that something overwhelming and great will happen and God will surprise me with something greater and more spectacular.

Today I realise that this is the SuperNatural... I am living the miracle... taking a breath, taking a step forward everyday and living life is the miracle. 

Thank you God, for the miracle of courage, courage to get out of bed today, even when we can't imagine why. Thank you for the miracle of family and friends that stood by me and still walks with me. Thank you for the miracle of life that can continue even when I have given up on it.

Ramblings

I think the worst thing about grief is the unpredictability of it all.The one moment you are making progress and you can see progress... the next moment you feel like life does not make any sense at all. You never really know when and how it will hit you next.


A while back I shared with a friend and said that I think Grief is like a chronic disease. All we have to do is take our medication and we will be OK... but on a re-think I came to the conclusion that even this is not entirely true... Grief ambushes us any time it feels like. The one moment you are on top of the world the next you are down and out. The only thing chronic about grief is that it is always with you... You see grief is not depression or the feeling of pain, grief is a condition... A state of being..., I don't think that there is any healing from grief. Don't get me wrong, there is healing from the pain and despair, but once you lost a loved one there is no fixing it and we will have to learn to live with this somehow.

The thing is this ...  someone once said, "Watch out for the triggers, if you can identify what causes the change in emotion then surely you can avoid it or change it." If only it was that easy... You see,  the very thing that causes you joy can at the very next moment be the thing that causes you the deepest pain that you will ever feel. For example, I love and adore kids especially little ones... but they also remind me of Judah. At times this is great because it provides great joy, but at times it just reminds me of what I have lost. This goes for anything and everything... A song, a movie, a picture... whatever.

So how have I chosen to deal with it? Well I think I came to a simple solution... I am being (at the very least, I'll try to be) real about  whatever  comes my way. When I am sad, I am not going to hide it, I share it. The same goes for what ever emotions I might be experiencing (however fleeting and sometimes contradictory it might be). After all they are just emotions. The problem comes when life becomes more then emotions or when emotions affect who we become. Well then, I fake it until I can make it. Okay... I admit, it is probably not the best strategy but I am all out of ideas... I take life one day at a time, knowing that the good moment always out-weighs the bad ones (even if it might seem that there are more bad moments than good.)

The rest is easy, I lean upon the greatest gifts God has given me... My Family, my Church and my Calling. Without these three journeying with grief and trying to stay afloat would be futile. Desiree and the kids have been my strength and inspiration but there are so many "other family" that I just could not do without. People that became family along the way... The Church is an extension of that family but more so. My faith community consists of people from different denominations and cultures and without the Church' assistance we probably would not have the courage to seek hope even in the helplessness of death.

My Calling is what sustains me. The knowing that God has a plan and purpose for my life. I vow to (at least try to) enjoy pursuing the Plans God has for me, My family and whoever God might bring across my way.

Thank you for listening to me rambling on...

Help me find your way Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am beginning to realize that grief is much more complex than we think. On the surface we think it is just about crying for what you lost. The obvious! We lost a son, 15 months old...much too soon. But is more than that... I lost not just a son, but also all the dreams I had for him. I will never see him grow up! I will never see him go to school for the first time... hear him call my name when he bumped his toe... hold him close and tell him that it is OK, Daddy is here with you... I will never get to talk to him about what it means to be a man... I will never see him become the man that I knew I would have been proud of.... The list just goes on and on.

Everyday I live is a reminder of what I do not have with my boy... a reminder of the things and moments that I will never spent with my boy. I hate this feeling. I hate this pain... How will I ever get over this pain?

I have nothing positive to write today... I am just so overwhelmed by the pain...