Father of Three

One of the things that is hardest to deal with is when people (those who do not know me) ask me about my family. The question, "so how many kids do you have?" hurts. My answer is always, "I have three kids, one daughter and two sons"... and then I change the topic.

Am I a coward for not wanting to share the fact that my little Judah lives on in heaven? Will I ever have the courage to talk about Judah freely to anyone willing to listen? I watched an interaction between a father and son at a funeral a few years back and for some reason I keep remembering the father telling his son, "you had a great grandfather" as if suddenly the relationship between Grandfather and Grandson comes to an end simply because the grandfather is not physically present.

So, I am still a father of three... it is difficult to explain the relationship I have with my youngest son, but he lives on... not just in our hearts and memories but also in the presence of the Almighty. Judah is part of our lives everyday... Everything we do reminds us of him. Everything is different because of him... there is never a moment that we do not think, "if Judah was here..." We remember very fondly his first steps....his precious smile and the warmth of his love and his gracious interaction with our lives... and we will keep that part of him very close to us all the time. 

I still remember hearing that we were expecting. It was very unexpected. I was at Seminary, intending to study for the next 3-5 years, but Judah changed that in a moments notice. I gladly set my studies aside to go work so that we could prepare for his arrival. He changed our lives then and he has changed the way we do life, even now. 

Judah is definitely still very part of our lives. He is our youngest son. The brother to the most awesome and resilient Jathni-el and Jeriah. We can never deny the impact he has had and will continue to have upon our lives.

Finding Purpose

I am sitting at the hospital were Judah was born. My heart ♥ remembers this place very fondly. This is, for me, a place of hope... Or at least it use to be. Now, however, it simply reminds me of what I have lost... For the last week or two I have been struggling with going home... Because that is where we lost Judah. I am constantly reminded of what I no longer have in my life.

As I write this, my mind and my heart disagrees with each other... and I am not really sure which is which but,  the one that knows better is saying, "This is not right... We cannot afford to lose happy moments from our lives. Places of hope and joy must become more, not less... Redeem! Redeem these moments! Redemption is necessary."

I like this thought and I want nothing more, but how realistic is this idea? The question is, "How do we redeem these moments... How do we keep the positive places happy? How can we ever expect to live in the midst of death? This for me becomes the key... Discovering the answer to these questions, in my humble opinion, will go a long way in coming to terms with our loss, thus redeeming these precious moments in our lives...

My wife seems to think that it is all about finding a purpose in the chaos. If we can somehow find something good and bring that to life then we can redeem this whole experience... I can agree with this as long as it does not become about finding a reason why this had to happen... I think that it's important to differentiate between finding purpose and looking for a reason. Finding purpose in the chaos and pain I believe brings meaning and hope, whilst looking for a reason seeks to assign blame.

Finding purpose in this chaos is absolutely essential... So... pray for my family and I (and the countless others struggling with grief) as we seek to find purpose and meaning. The path to purpose and meaning, I think is not easy, partly because of the great value we assign to the ones we have lost, but also because it is so much easier to assign blame. We often blame ourselves or others because the alternative is so much harder.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 English Standard Version (ESV)

You make us stronger...

Grieving has been and it continues to be hard, especially because we are a family that is in ministry. It is during times such as these that people look to see how we deal with things... "When the shoe is on the other foot". This is something , I guess, that comes with the territory.

For that reason I have chosen not to hide my true feelings. To share my journey with grief as openly and honestly as possible... It's been hard, but the people God surrounded us with, during this time, have been phenomenal. So though it has been difficult I managed somehow thus far to keep my head up high and to push forward.

But I must admit, the toughest... the worst of all is seeing the effect grief has on my family. Watching our daughter battle with her emotions and the responsibility of being the eldest sibling. Seeing our son as he struggles to verbalize and  make sense of this all. Watching my wife, my awesome... incredible wife face this (new, yet somewhat familiar) enemy called grief and somehow manage to get us all through the day... it's is incredibly hard... At the moment (for those wondering) we are struggling. We need your prayers. We need your support... We know that it is probably just as difficult for you as it is for us, but do not give up on us just yet... We appreciate you!

Our friends and family has been a great support. Thank you! It is only through your prayers and support that we made it thus far. We know that The Lord added you to our lives and we are grateful that you have agreed to be our companions on this journey. 

I recognize that this journey (alongside us) is often confusing... The one moment we want space the next we long desperately for companionship... just know that right now in our lives, it is not so much that you say or do the right thing. It is just great that you do and say something at all... Your presence (in whatever form - physical or on the other end of a message or telephone call) means the world to us... I am probably rambling, but thank you that you read thus far. That you took the time to try and get what's going on in my heart. I have received all your whatsapp messages... your  inbox messages and emails and it keeps me going. Thanks!!! I can not even begin to tell you how much it all means to us.

Happily ever after (or) Not!

We tell our kids fairy tales, all the time, and these fairy tales always end with the words or idea, "and they all lived happily ever after". Though we know the difference between real life and fairy tales, we all still wish and pray that life will be a "happily ever after". 

Well, what happens when the story, my story, doesn't quite measure up?

I sat and watch the inter-action between my wife and our second born son. He was complaining, no, he was stating the obvious, telling his Mommy how much he misses his brother. Saying that he miss playing with him and how he wishes that he could talk to his brother... A part in me immediately got pulled up... when my wife responded by saying, "come sit with me and we will talk to him together.Let's tell him how much we miss him"

I wanted to say... "NO! we do not have conversations with the dead. If you miss Judah, then pray to God. Jesus will take the pain away." Then I wanted to shout and scream at God and say, WHY? Why does my family have to go through this? But... instead, I whispered in my heart, "I miss you too baby boy, this life is difficult without your smile, without your beautiful , sweet, calming presence". I don't now if that was wrong or not... To be honest I don't care right now. The only thing I care about right now is that, somehow, we find healing... 

Life without Judah is really hard. This "grieving thing" is terrible. It makes you question everything... It confuses you... It frustrates you... hurts you... makes you re-evaluate things and some say it (will) make you stronger.

Stronger... I am not so sure! If so, why do I feel so weak? Why do I feel like nothing makes makes sense? Why do I feel like everything has gone wrong... and it's all my fault (somehow). I have to fix it. I have to make a decision to continue life. 

In fact this is what I advised many a person that I counselled.Not that they are to blame for their problem (s) but rather that they must take responsibility to continue with life. Now... I find myself in a similar position and I realise that if I am truly honest with myself, I really don't want to continue with life. I want to just give up... This is the perfect circumstances for me to be able to say, "the load is to heavy for me to carry, you are expecting too much of me to recover from this..."

But the Lord is faithful and does not condemn me when I feel like giving up, but rather I am reminded, today, that I can depend upon the Lord. That no matter how difficult things might seem, I can always count on God to see me through... Don't get me wrong, I still have lots of questions about my faith and God's plan and manner of work in and through my life, BUT I know that even in my confusion and questioning God is faithful. I love the qoute by Franchesca Cox, "grief only exists where love lived first". I know that God is love and therefore, somehow, God's perfect love will get me through this and even bring me healing. 

So I know my story might not have a "happily ever after" right now... BUT... It certainly has a "In Christ ever after". With Christ all things are possible... and so I continue to live in Hope. 

Missing you

"With Hope"

This is not at all
How we thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We has so many dreams
But now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you

And we can cry with hope
We can say good-bye with hope
'Cause we know our good-bye is not the end
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father smile and say 'well done.'
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now your home
And now your free

[Chorus]

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true

[Chorus]

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

- Steven Curtis Chapman

My Darling Judah

My Darling Boy,


Today I miss you more than words can describe... I woke up last night because Diego was barking, but then could not go back to sleep. My mind immediately went to the nights that you so lovingly would place your head on my chest and start humming a song, signalling that you wanted your Dad to sing for you.

You are the only one that would willingly subject yourself to Daddy's voice. You always knew just how to make me feel extra special. I wonder if you are singing in heaven. I pray that Jesus holds you close and hums Afrikaans choruses to you... 

Lol... we have all been singing the "Bibo" song lately. we really miss you.

Your brother and sister... well let's just say, "You come from good stock". They are so brave. They talk about you always. The house is just not the same without you. Your physical presence amongst is terribly missed. We can not help but constantly ask ourselves, "I wonder what Judah would have done right now".

Daddy has not been swimming since you passed away... Uncle Ronny came to visit and they took us to Ushaka... It was great fun down the slides but I just can't bring myself to swimming at home... Naturally your brother and sister are not very impressed with me because the pool is not cleaned and the net remains on most of the time... Your Dad is just not as brave as he should be at this very moment. I know you would not want it to be this way but I find very hard... 

Thank goodness I have your Mommy. She is really awesome! She  cries for you and probably will do so for a really long time, but that is just because you are such an amazing boy... Mommy is keeping me on the straight and narrow. She wont allow me to give up... I considered running way a few times but where would I run? Your smile always catches up with me.

Do you know what I miss the most? I miss having you run and jump into my arms. Every time you jumped into my arms you would make me feel like nothing and no one else matters... It is just you and me in the whole world... I miss holding you in my arms... helping you figure out how to climb in, through and over obstacles... But most of all I miss watching you just being you... 

If only I watched you closer on the 6th of April. 

Sorry my Boy... I failed you. I pray you know that I love you. You are safe with Jesus. The Bible teaches me that there are no tears and sorrow where you are. All I ever wanted was for you to be safe.

I can not do much for you my boy... but I promise that I will continually try to be the best Dad that I can be to your brother and sister. Knowing you, revealed a part of me that I never knew existed... a better part and I promise to share that not just with your brother and sister but with all the world. Thank you for making me better.

1 September 2015

Very confidently I decided that I am going to be different... I am going to be the one that will somehow model to all my friends and family how "it" is done. I was going to mourn the loss of my son and somehow re-group my family and... Well I am not really sure what next, but definitely something.

I am strong enough to over-come any odds. After all, my Mom taught me that "I can do all things through Christ that gives me the strength." So… I will make it. I have to make it! At least so I thought... I unfortunately have come to the conclusion that what ever I am doing is not working. I am living but part of me died with Judah and I am trying to resurrect something that I should be burying.

Let me see if I can somehow make sense of what I just said... I believe... or rather have always believed in a Miraculous God. The attributes of God that stand out for me about God is all of the Super-Natural stuff. God makes a way where there seems to be no way because that's what God does... My God specializes in MIRACLES. God never just takes the easy path, He walks through the desert and parts the sea... God waits for Lazarus to die and then goes and resurrect him... God does the supernatural naturally.

So, naturally, I expect God to do something miraculous to get me through this. That's just how it is supposed to be,  isn't it? So I am waiting (somewhat impatiently) for God to do a miracle... But it is 122 days (6 August 2015) in and nothing. I preach faith... I teach faith... I live by faith but it appears that I am sinking deeper and deeper into the pit of depression more and more. 

Don't get me wrong... there are moments when sun appears to shine through the dark clouds, but sometimes (more frequently these days) I feel like I can only see the darkness... I can no longer pretend that the light is shinning brightly and I find it extremely difficult to hope for light. On this first day of Spring (1 September) when everyone is waiting for new life and celebrating new life, I am realizing that my efforts to "be  different... to model healing after grief" is just not working any more...

I walk home and all I see is that STUPID pool. All I can see is the BLAME in Judah's eyes in the portraits in our lounge. I try to focus on his smile but I just can’t lie to myself any more. It is just so difficult… 

I need a miracle to get through this... or do I? This morning I am reminded about just how practical God is. Even thou Jesus did many miracles, the greatest miracle was accomplished when He carried His cross to Calvary. So yes, I need a miracle and if it means having to carry this heavy cross of guilt and pain... so be it. I take comfort in the fact that when Jesus struggled to carry His cross Simon of Cyrene was there to carry. 

So dear friends, forgive me if I don't model the perfect grieving parent. I am simply trying to carry this cross... Stick close... you might never know when you will need to be Simon of Cyrene. Thank you!!!

We have been blessed enough to have a team of 'Simons' around us. Thank you family and friends for being there for us through thick and thin. We love ❤ you and appreciate you helping us to carry the load. May God bless you richly!